Welcome to the inside of my head.

Hello boys.

So I joined Minder – for those that don’t know what this is – it’s “Muslim Tinder”. Quite frankly that sounds like a paradox but I thought what the heck. Just like Tinder you take a peep at someone’s pics and bio and if they sound aight you swipe right. Otherwise you swipe left. If the other person also swipes right for you, then you can start a conversation. So that’s the mechanics… here’s what I have observed from my experience so far:

  • Is it Mind-er or Min-der? And if it’s Mind-er, that doesn’t rhyme with Tinder. This frustrates me.
  • Literally every guy says he goes to the gym and loves to travel… like every single one.
  • 90% of these guys say they are 6 foot or taller. Now I dunno if I’ve clicked something saying I only want tall guys (if I have, I desperately want to untick it) but surely everyone can’t be this tall.
  • I am such a bitch. I swipe left so much. I am a terrible human being.
  • I’ve got a type. The app stores the people you’ve had conversations with and if you put all my guy’s pictures together, they’re practically the same person. It would be embarrassing if it wasn’t so funny – but hey at least I know what I’m attracted to? Beards and swishy hair? God I am letting the female race down.
  • Things that will instantly make me swipe left: shirtless pictures, pictures of guys at the gym, shameless pictures of muscles, guys wearing really unbuttoned or low cut shirts, guys with earrings, guys doing shisha, guys wearing their trousers too low, guys taking pictures in bed
  • Okay not all of the muscle is bad. Some of these guys have nice arms.
  • Conversations are weird. I dunno what’s wrong with me – when I engage it’s like I’m actively trying to make them run away just to see who will stick around. Sarcasm abounds. One person said I had a “cute, nerdy look” and I said “is that a compliment or a veiled insult?”. I think he got scared.
  • Just because someone looks innocent does not mean they are innocent. One supposedly friendly looking guy asked for my thoughts on buttsex within the first 5 minutes. That promptly ended that conversation.
  • In case there was any doubt, guys are super interested in sex. Like I get it, it’s important, but there is MORE TO EXPLORE. I can’t even post some of the stuff I’ve been on the receiving end over the last few weeks but here’s a sample:
    • “If you were my wife, you wouldn’t be able to walk”
    • “Do you like choking?”
    • “Have you heard of Mia Khalifa?” <- If you don’t know who she is, for the love of god don’t Google her.
    • “I’m trying to imagine what kind of roleplay you’d be into”

THIS IS NOT OKAY. At all.

Over and Out!

 

 

I haven’t posted in months and months but I still wanted some way to remember this year so here goes:

  1. 67
  2. 1Million Dance Studios – Mina Young, Sori Na, Lia Kim, May Jay Lee
  3. A dose of cyanicism and realism
  4. Accounting… pensions accounting
  5. Andy Murray’s success
  6. Anna and the French Kiss: “I wish for the thing that is best for me.”
  7. Bailey Sok – the girl with more swag in her finger nail than I have in my entire body
  8. BATMAN Wifi
  9. Beyonce’s Lemonade – and absolutely shutting down the VMA’s with her world class performance
  10. Black Scholes formula
  11. Brexit
  12. British success at the Olympics
  13. Busting my knee at the traffic lights and nearly getting run over
  14. Candy Crush
  15. Dodgy Wrist
  16. Drarry – still my OTP
  17. Dubsmash
  18. Dyeing my hair and actually pulling it off
  19. Elementary… and liking it more than Sherlock ssshhh
  20. Eleanor and Park: “…and his eyes were so green they could turn carbon dioxide into oxygen.”
  21. Escape the room
  22. Facebook
  23. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: the awe of watching this at the IMAX
  24. Fear of being alone
  25. Fear of marriage
  26. Fear of settling
  27. Feedback and feedback on feedback
  28. Feeling sexy in gold heels
  29. Forgetting dates, like all the time.
  30. Getting fat, so fat that I can’t fit into some of my old clothes
  31. Goodreads and their reccomended reading lists
  32. Harry Potter and the Cursed Child
  33. Incidents on the Holborn escaltors
  34. Inheritance issues and family squabbling
  35. James’ and Quidditch
  36. Jersey Boys, The Four Seasons – watching it in Theatre
  37. JK’s boy drama
  38. Ju Ju on the beat
  39. LadyLuthien and Lilly
  40. Leicester City winning the Premier League
  41. ‘Lovely’ by Sarah Jessica Parker – my perfume of choice
  42. Magic Mike… in particular that one interview on Ellen…
  43. Malec – yes I’m talking about Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood
  44. Marium’s birthday party… the best party I’ve ever been to ever
  45. Masters of Sex, the TV show, don’t get your panties in a twist
  46. Memes, so many memes
  47. Micrsoft Outlook – my lifeline
  48. My CA1 squad
  49. My favourite smart trousers from Next
  50. My Iphone 5C
  51. My Iphone headphones, all hail
  52. My new fan heater
  53. My WTW Squad
  54. New watch for my tiny wrist
  55. Old Flame
  56. Our Sky Q Box
  57. Plans that keep falling through
  58. Reigate Manor Hotel
  59. Rick Stein, my favourite cooking programme presenter
  60. Rihanna ANTI – my favourite album of the year
  61. Rihanna’s work work work work they say me haffi work work work work work
  62. Sean Lew – born to dance
  63. Seeing Beyonce live at Wembley – definitely one of the best experiences of my life
  64. Semi serious marriage proposals
  65. Shakira’s engagement
  66. Shambles 1, 2 and 3
  67. Shopping at Oasis – my new favourite shop
  68. SimCity Buildit
  69. Sleeping at 2am for no reason and regretting it terribly the next morning
  70. Speed Dating
  71. SUMIF
  72. Team KC
  73. That never-ending Flu
  74. That stupid day when I got stuck and Greenford and it took me 3 hours to get home and my phone died
  75. The 140 bus
  76. The Apprentice – well done Alana
  77. The Bake- Off, both the show and the annoying move to Channel 4
  78. The Central Line
  79. The continuation of Sumaliya
  80. The Daily Mail
  81. The Diana Memorial
  82. The end of Sumalium
  83. The Exam- Takers
  84. The Garage roof contruction
  85. The horror of becoming 24
  86. The jubilation of passing CA1
  87. The Khandashians
  88. The Nae Nae
  89. The Pink Zone
  90. The return of Gilmore Girls
  91. The SIAS Ball
  92. The soap opera that was the US election
  93. Twerking
  94. Vitamin tablets, iron tablets and an inhaler
  95. VLOOKUP
  96. Weatherspoons
  97. Winning over AW – took a lot of patience and time but so worth it
  98. Wooly hat and socks
  99. WTW Purple
  100. YouTube Playlists… in particular the WTW Playlist

 

So before I went to see Captain America:Civil War, I had this one friend who spend most of her existence banging on about how hot Chris Evans is, and I was always a bit like meh. He’s blonde (so judgemental I know)- not really my type.

Ladies and gentleman after seeing this damn movie I have been bloody converted… and I tried soo hard not to like to him. I am a grown woman; I am not attracted to well defined arm muscles, a body enclosed in tight tight t-shirts and eyes the shade of a Summer sky.

…except turns out I am. What can I say…he is one pouty hench specimen of American beefcake.

Somebody get me a fan. ASAP.

Over and Out!

Shame

So I usually find myself writing/rambling when my feelings are all over the place. I guess this is one of those times.

I got the results from my second sitting of the actuarial exams yesterday. I passed one and I failed one. Let me clarify that; I, Aliya Khalid, who has never really failed anything before, failed an exam. So this whole thing has been a rather novel experience.

I’m fairly accepting that I failed this exam. I knew it was borderline and I have a hundred excuses to justify it but the honest truth is, I should have prepared more. No, the part I was worried about was how my parents would react. I must have asked them a dozen times:

‘How would you react if I failed an exam?’

‘Yeah but you didn’t.’

‘But what if I did?’

And now, this was my great opportunity to find out.

I thought it was my mum I should worry about and that my dad would take it on my chin. I couldn’t be more wrong if I tried (I must be really off my game).

My mum was perfect; the poster ad for supportive parent. It’ll be fine; you were busy at work; we went to the wedding in Scotland days before your exam; you can sit it later; this won’t hold you back; it’ll be fine. And I thought great- what was I worrying about- now I just need to tell my dad.

Do you know what he said?

‘I’m so disappointed.’

It was like being doused with cold water.

Disappointed? I haven’t put a foot wrong (academically) like ever and the ONE TIME that I mess up a little bit, I’m a disappointment. That’s fucking great.

He topped it off with ‘so all your other friends passed that exam? What went wrong with you? Why did you sit the exam if you weren’t ready? Oh so over 50% of the people who took the exam passed- that makes it
worse.’

I feel furious and hurt and more than a little betrayed. It is easy to be on someone’s side when things are going well but it is a mark of character to stay on their side when things aren’t.

I never expected that from my dad in a million years.

Promotions and Bonuses

Yes yes I know I haven’t been posting everyday. I am a terrible person. 

In other news I got my promotion this week which was nice. It’s the first time I’ve ever experienced something like this; I wasn’t sure how much of my emotions to show to my manager…. Is it okay to jump up and down wildly and hug him? Probably not. 

An added bonus was the performance rating I received. I got a 5/5 which means that I far exceeded my targets. Obviously I’m well chuffed with that. Working life is kinda weird in that respect- I find it very difficult to guage how well I’m doing… And it’s always reassuring to hear that people don’t hate you and that you’re doing alright and stuff. 

That’s another thing- people don’t often say things like ‘well done’ or ‘I like the way you tackled that’ or ‘I appreciate the amount of time and effort you spent on this’. I can’t speak for others but I really need to hear things like that. I dunno if that make me needy. But it’s gives me reassurance and it motivates to be better. I feel like small genuine comments would make the workplace a better place, don’t you think? 

Over and out! 

  1. YAAASS
  2. SLAYYY
  3. BRO
  4. BAE
  5. Srsly?
  6. Your face 
  7. That’s what she said 

Make me stop. Where am I picking up such bad habits?!

Just Aliya Things 2

So I like to listen to music at work; more specifically I have no filter with regards to what songs I listen to. In fact the more inappropriate the better. I dunno, I just seem to get a kick out it. It may look like I’m building a spreadsheet on the outside but actually I’m having a  private party in my head screaming SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.  

This occasionally has adverse consequences. For example a few days ago someone approached me at my desk and I hastily took off my headphones but didn’t have time to mute. Unfortunately that was the exact moment Nicki Minaj ‘Only’ started to play. If you’re not familiar with the opening lines, let me enlighten you *ahem*

Yo

I never f*cked Wayne

I never f*cked Drake

All my life man – f*cks sake

If I did I’d ménage with them 

And let them eat my a** like a cupcake

These are some inspired lyrics but probably not something I’d want my colleague to hear. I’m privately optimistic that he’s deaf.