Scrolling through my Facebook News Feed today, I couldn’t help but realise how much I could categorise the posts. About 80% is the same recycled rubbish every day. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. I guess that potential 20% keeps me coming back. Oh and I need help remembering birthdays.
So without further ado, I give you my types of Facebookers (Note this is entirely based on my own news feed… )
The Gym Rat
This person is always going to the gym and to prove it, they post on Facebook before and after a workout. They then follow this up with things like ‘NO GAIN WITHOUT PAIN’, several pics of their ‘ripped’ bodies, their love of protein shakes and how much their muscles ache after their intense exercising.
This person is always going through emotional turmoil. They met someone 2 days ago and now they’re in love. It’s always ‘different’ this time… except it’s not because very soon they’re out of love and posting hate lyrics in their statuses about one another. It’s always in statuses too…never in a private message. They just have to post something really cryptic like ‘I hate you bitch’ for the whole world to see. Talk about airing your dirty laundry.
This person is a girl 99% of the time. She will dedicate entire albums to pictures of herself in the bathroom with 360 pictures of herself standing in one position, tilting her face 1 degree at a time. Or she might have slapped on all her makeup and call it her ‘natural’ look. Or she’ll post a picture of herself wearing a skimpy top and caption it with ‘it’s all about my new hair cuttt!’. Sure because everyone’s looking at your hair right?
The Serial Updater
This person updates their status about a dozen times a day.
I just woke up. I took a shit. I went to school. I just ate. I’m going to bed.
Rinse lather repeat.
The Party Animal
This person is always clubbing or partying, drinking themselves stupid and then posting lots and lots of pictures of their ‘messy’ night. They’ll normally post something like ‘Ayyy Pissheads!’, ‘just chundered everywhere lol’ or my personal favourite ‘I’m never drinking again’.
The Loved Up Couple
Oh god, these people normally have matching profile pictures and they tag each other in just about every post. They confess their love for one another wherever possible. I’m really pleased for these people- I’m happy they’re happy but surely it’s more romantic and intimate saying these things in person or I dunno, in private? Just a thought.
Changed my life Bro
This person is always posting motivational speeches and inspiring messages. I was so sad and unsure about my life but now that I’ve read your post, I’m reformed. Wallahi, you changed my life bro. *facepalm*
This person’s mood is entirely governed by their football team’s performance. I don’t even need to watch the match. I’ve got a running (albeit biased) commentary on my news feed. If their team loses, one of the following comments is always made; the ref was rubbish, we should have been given a penalty, the penalty to the other team shouldn’t have been given, the manager needs firing.
This person is constantly posting pictures of their food, normally of desserts. I swear it’s like they go out for the sole purpose of taking this picture to post on Facebook. I promise I’ll believe you ate that gorgeous chocolate waffle if you just write about it. Stop making me hungry dammit.
They’re always online, complaining about all the stuff they’ve got to do. If they spent a little less time complaining and a little more time doing, they’d be done ages ago. But where would be the fun in that?
This person believes they can singlehandedly change the world through their socio-political commentary on facebook. I mean reading one news article qualifies you as a political expert right?
Have an opinion. I encourage it, but please read around the subject before opening your mouth. You might end up saying something stupid.
This business person is always selling something such as tickets or phones or laptops. The funny thing is hardly anyone responds and if they do, it’s normally to say RIPP OFF. This is Facebook, not Gum Tree. What do you expect? You’re a teenager. Your friends are teenagers. They’ll need to ask Mummy and Daddy before they buy anything you’re selling.
I think that covers most people. No offense was intended. Disclaimer. Disclaimer. Over and Out!