Welcome to the inside of my head.

145. Brain Fart

So Seb kinda brain farted and came up with these questions for me…and I’ve finally found some time to formulate some responses.

1- Who would win in a fight between a legless gorilla with chainsaws for hands and an ostrich with robo legs made out of titanium? And what are your reasons for this?

I feel like this depends on what the saw in the chainsaw is made of. If it’s brutal enough to cut through titanium then the ostrich loses its advantage. However I think titanium is pretty damn strong and added to the fact that the ostrich will probably be able to move quicker, I feel like it has the edge. Continuously karate kick that gorilla in the face! I’d like to see this battle.

2- Do you think that people who don’t follow whatever you believe in on a religious scale are doomed in the afterlife, regardless of how nice they are?

Absolutely not. The majority of people believe what their parents believe because that was what they were taught. If people really are doomed for believing the wrong thing and their parents beliefs are supposedly ‘wrong’, then they too are doomed by association. That just seems grossly unfair to me. I don’t even believe religious beliefs qualify you for a happy afterlife. I’ve always felt than being a decent human being takes priority.

3- If you had to, would you rather have wings which give you the ability to fly for a minute, but then you gotta rest the flying for an hour because it’s super tiring, or would you rather have a tail that is flexible and can carry your own body weight and you can use it whenever? The wings and tail can be in your own image.

Having a tail probably wouldn’t be the best look… Also if I had a tail, I’d probably use it all the time to carry my lazy arse around and then I’d get fat and look even worse. Yes, vain I know. By that logic wings all the way. Plus omg flying.

4- If you had the opportunity to instantly learn any language in the world that you don’t already know, which one would you pick?

That’s easy- Elvish. It’s just sounds divine no matter what you say or how nasty. Plus it’s hella sexy! I point you to this video of Liv Tyler:

5- Favourite Pokémon?

Don’t shout at me but whilst I enjoyed Pokemon as a kid, I’m not a hardcore fan. I don’t know all the names of the original Pokemon and I also never played the games. That being said- Pikachu. I do good Pika Pika impersonations. Hire me for £5 an hour.

6- Tell me about the moment when you felt the most betrayed and used.

If I shared that experience here, shit would hit the fan. Instead I will say that it was awful and I have never felt more stupid.

7- If you had the option to wipe out all people who had one particular personality trait or image in common, who would you annihilate and why?

I have a really low tolerance for people who don’t have a sense of humour and/or can’t take a joke. That’s not to say I think everyone should turn into giggly idiots. I just feel it’s important to be able to laugh at yourself and whatever bad situation you might be in. I also find it annoying having to censor what I say to avoid offending their sensitive ears. So yeh, them.

8- If you become rich and famous, could I please have some money? Couple of grand would be fine.

Sure. You’ll have to get in line though. SO many people have made dibs on my salary. I’m not gonna have anything left.

9- If I were to bring you into my crew in a post-apocalyptic world, (e.g zombies) what skills do you have that would benefit the group enough for us to take you on?

1. I have killer stinkbomb farts that would keep an army of zombies at bay. I have people that can validate this.

2. I can count because I do maths and shit. This could be useful. For example ‘Argh Seb there are one, two, THREE zombies on our tail’.

3. I’m short and small so don’t take up much room.

4. Under pressure I have mad reflexes. I discovered then when I was 15 and the guy I had a crush on threw scissors at my face (his way of showing affection?) and I caught them millimetres from my face like a ninja. He then threw a ruler really hard at my head and I caught that too so it wasn’t just a fluke!

10- If Stalin and Hitler were hanging off the edge of a cliff and you had to save one, which dictator would you save?

Good God they’re both grade A bastards. I don’t think there’s an obvious choice here. Although people know Hitler was a nasty piece of work, I feel like people generally underestimate Stalin’s crimes. Stalin overall is responsible for more deaths perhaps not directly but certainly through his policies. Also Hitler only invaded Poland (often taken to be the trigger for WW2) after the Nazi-Soviet pact. Had Stalin not agreed to this, I think there’s a good chance a world war could have been avoided. On these grounds, I vote Stalin.  (This is probably the first time my GCSE in History has come in useful!)

11- Tell me about an invention you could make a reality, even if it’s actually impossible to do.

I have actually thought about this before. I would like to invent a painless, instant form of hair removal that is permanent. I just think it would save women so much grief and time and money (and pain). We’ve sent people to the moon, surely we can find a way to blast some hair follicles permanently. C’monnnn. I honestly think it would be Nobel prize worthy.

Over and Out!

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Comments on: "145. Brain Fart" (3)

  1. Nice. I liked the depth of the answers, which spoke more to me because I’m stoned. I like this. I like this a lot. Thanks dude!

  2. P.S- Liv Tyler. Goddamn.

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