Do you remember how ages ago I was lamenting over the fact that I didn’t have any feelings for anyone and how rare and weird that felt.
Yeh… that’s changed. In a way I’m kinda surprised; I honestly thought I had become apathetic to the notion and that I was just DONE. Given up. Too tired to try again with anyone.
I put up a ten foot fortified emotional wall and then this wonderful idiot just came along and politely knocked on a door I didn’t know existed and strolled right in. If this wall existed in reality, I would be suing for damages right now.
To make matter worse, this person is someone who is a) not even available b) lacks all awareness of my faith and culture c) would not be approved by my family and d) is just straight up not right for me.
Do I know this? Yes.
Does it change the way I feel? No.
Whyyyyyyyyy? Why am I so stupid?
I had an inkling from the start that this might happen because we share the same sense of humour and he is impossibly curious and random and soaks up stuff like a sponge. But I honestly thought I had things under wraps; we’ll be good friends and everything will be fine. I’m a grown woman; I can control myself right? Naivety at its finest.
I didn’t realise what had happened until it was too late. I just remember watching him interact openly with a female colleague, in a way that he never has with me, and just feeling uncomfortable. It wasn’t until I found myself stomping out of the place that I realised I was jealous. And when I was halfway home and he asked me to come back, I said no because my silly feelings were hurt.
I can feel myself acting more and more like a fool e.g. wanting to know what he thinks about everything ever because I like his brain and I like his face and just him in general.
It is so annoying being able to acknowledge that yet being powerless to change it. The butterflies are nice though.
I’ll keep you guys posted about how this inevitable train crash progresses.
Over and Out!