Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘chav’

98. What kind of reader are you?

The Devourer

This person doesn’t read books, they devour them! Hunger Games trilogy- yeah read it in 3 days. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix- read it one day. They are hellbent on finishing their book as soon as possible…
Goes to the bathroom, takes book with them. Sitting at the dinner table, takes book with them. Meeting friends? Not anymore! Cancels and reads book instead.
For that day, they are completely and utterly immersed into another world.

My Harry Potter Experience

The Slow Coach

This person is still reading the same book 6 months on, reading approximately 5 pages a day and justifying it with ‘oh the plot is super complex and there are lots of characters’. Seriously I could hand write the book in that time…

The Organised One

This reader sets a guideline ie. they decide to read between 30-50 pages each days and actually stick to it! They pace themselves and take time to savour the details.

The Commuter

They guys are always reading on the bus/train making sure all the other passengers can see how well they are using their time and looking down upon the peasants reading the Metro. That is of course unless they’re reading 50 Shades of Grey in which case they’ll replace the book cover or hide behind their Kindle. You need not have bothered- your dilated eyes and panting give you away…

The Literature Hipster

Not content with what the ‘average’ folk read, they insist on reading things like the Iliad or something in Latin. More importantly they must inform everyone what they’re reading and occasionally quote it to really dig it in. You think you’re well read- I get it. Now shut up and let me read Twilight in peace.

The ‘oh whoops spoiled it’

This happens for books that are part of a series. This person reads the first one, is desperate to know what happens next, wiki’s it (or watches the TV series) and then decides that they don’t need to read the rest of the books because they now know how it ends. Well done.

The Later Later

Gets the book, leaves on desk for 3 months, renews it 10 times and eventually returns the book having never opened it.

The Pretender

Reading the spark notes version does not count as having read the book no matter how well you know the ‘themes’ and ‘symbolism’. Cheater!

Guilty!

Illiterate

What’s a book? These idiots can’t read nothing unless it’s in chat-speak or all gangster like. Yeh sik blad. Safe safe.
Let me know when you get a job.

Over and Out!

37. My Beef With Fake Nails

Girls, I know you want your hands to look pretty. I can understand that. Feel free to paint them any colour of the rainbow if you wish but what is this obsession of attaching plastic claws to perfectly nice nails?! For one they look really tacky. Shocking pink nails with shiny studs scream CHAV louder than an adidas tracksuit. On top of that, they are actually really impractical. I had fake nails temporarily over the summer as a method to stop biting my nails and I couldn’t hack it. Within 2 days I had ripped them off and vowed never to try them again. (It probably didn’t help that I’m used to having teeny tiny nails.) Some of the problems I had were the following:

1. You can’t bloody text or type. Well I couldn’t anyway. The claws just got in the way. I was having to press down on the keys with the plastic instead of my fingertips. I don’t know how working women manage it. Aliya minus texting and typing makes for a VERY grumpy Aliya (/cat).

2. I couldn’t even eat. I’m brown so I eat roti pretty much everyday and that means eating with your hands. It is unbelieveably difficult with fake nails and even if you manage to get a scrap of roti, dipping your claws into curry is kinda gross and getting them cury stained doesn’t look great either.

3. You don’t realise just how much you touch your face until you get fake nails. Scratching your face feels like having your face sandpapered. Within 2 days, I looked like I had been attacked by a savage animal.

4. It is genuinely a mission to pick things up from a flat surface. Heaven forbid trying to pick up a penny. I would be there for a good 10 seconds moving the item around until I got some sort of grip on it. The aim would be to get the nail UNDER the item and then hold it firmly.

5. Last but not least, they made my hands look weird.

My hands actually looks alien to me. Don't ask what happened to the forefinger because I don't know either...

They actually look alien to me. Don’t ask what happened to the forefinger because I don’t know either…

Moral of the story…don’t do it! Get a manicure or just grow them naturally. Natural and clean looks best!