Every year, I reach a point during revision where I decide I don’t care. Today is that day.
I am so tired of this. I don’t want to revise. I don’t want to do these exams. I’ve been doing everything to avoid it. I’ll eat, catch up on House, decide to start doing sit ups because sure right now is a great time to start an exercise regime, right? But then I suffer this gut wrenching guilt for not spending my time wisely. All this proves is that I do care. But I wish I didn’t.
I could loosen up and settle for a 2:1. That’s good right? I can get a job with that. Can I live with it though? Is it good enough for my parents? As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I know the answer deep down is ‘no’ but if I don’t sort this out, that is where I’m heading.
Why have I decided to stay on for another year? Surely I don’t love Imperial so much that I’m willing do this all over again. This is sucking my soul. Please let this be over soon. I don’t want to do this anymore.
*heads back to notes*
It is that horrible time of year again… exam revision. This has got to be the most depressing, frustrating and lonely part of my degree.
Revision means the end of my social life (which I was trying to fit in as much as possible beforehand). I have this bad habit of really letting myself go when I don’t have to go out. It’s only been a few days and my hair is already greasy, I smell like curry, my face is pasty and I’m sitting here at my desk in my onesie. Please no-one ring the doorbell.
This is also the time I will do ANYTHING to avoid revision such as:
- cleaning… everything
- ironing things I never wear
- organising my computer files
- reading old emails because I don’t even know why
- playing Neopets
- watching re-runs of House
- helping OTHER people with their revision
- and my personal favourite…complaining about revision…which is what I’m doing now.
Every year I tell myself, I will makes good revision notes while I’m studying the module and every year I end up making them in April. Such a horrible horrible cycle of not learning from my mistakes. *shakes fist*
To makes things worse, I feel hungry pretty much all the time (I think this some psychological ploy made by my scumbag brain to further avoid revision) so I eat up eating everything so now not only am I not working, I’m also getting fat. Dammit.
It sucks having to sit in my room trying to convince myself to get work done. It’s not like I don’t have any motivation. I desperately want to get a First in every module this year (with the exception of Managerial Economics) but clearly I want to watch cat videos on Youtube more. I am convinced that it doesn’t matter where you start from on Youtube, you WILL eventually end up on baby or cat videos.
Revision is lonely. It’s something you have to do by yourself. To do this, you have to commit to being holed up in your room with only your fan heater and your music for company which is pretty darn sad. The shitty weather here in the UK does nothing to lighten the mood either. My parents, bless them, do so much to make sure I have what I need. They pop in and say hello and bring me tea but they can’t exactly help me when I’m stuck on a proof or if I’ve forgotten how to integrate. Le sigh.
With all this said, so far today I’ve been quite good. I’m on Chapter 5 (of 19) of Credit Scoring and I aim to finish up to Chapter 7. I will let you know how I far I get next time.
Good luck to anyone else who is also revising!
Over and Out!