Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘disappointment’

Shame

So I usually find myself writing/rambling when my feelings are all over the place. I guess this is one of those times.

I got the results from my second sitting of the actuarial exams yesterday. I passed one and I failed one. Let me clarify that; I, Aliya Khalid, who has never really failed anything before, failed an exam. So this whole thing has been a rather novel experience.

I’m fairly accepting that I failed this exam. I knew it was borderline and I have a hundred excuses to justify it but the honest truth is, I should have prepared more. No, the part I was worried about was how my parents would react. I must have asked them a dozen times:

‘How would you react if I failed an exam?’

‘Yeah but you didn’t.’

‘But what if I did?’

And now, this was my great opportunity to find out.

I thought it was my mum I should worry about and that my dad would take it on my chin. I couldn’t be more wrong if I tried (I must be really off my game).

My mum was perfect; the poster ad for supportive parent. It’ll be fine; you were busy at work; we went to the wedding in Scotland days before your exam; you can sit it later; this won’t hold you back; it’ll be fine. And I thought great- what was I worrying about- now I just need to tell my dad.

Do you know what he said?

‘I’m so disappointed.’

It was like being doused with cold water.

Disappointed? I haven’t put a foot wrong (academically) like ever and the ONE TIME that I mess up a little bit, I’m a disappointment. That’s fucking great.

He topped it off with ‘so all your other friends passed that exam? What went wrong with you? Why did you sit the exam if you weren’t ready? Oh so over 50% of the people who took the exam passed- that makes it
worse.’

I feel furious and hurt and more than a little betrayed. It is easy to be on someone’s side when things are going well but it is a mark of character to stay on their side when things aren’t.

I never expected that from my dad in a million years.

103. Back to life, back to reality

After the insane weekend I had in Paris, returning back to London felt surreal. I had been awake for 26 hours straight, my feet were aching from wearing heels for two days and I was exhausted right down to my bones. As soon as I got home, I ate some Coco Pops and promptly fell asleep for 9 hours straight. When I woke up I was so disorientated; I had no idea where I was or what time it was because my body clock was so messed. The first thing I did was check out what I had missed while I was gone and it was then that I found out that third year results were released.

To be honest I didn’t want to open them but I had to assess the damage. I knew beforehand that it wouldn’t be as good as last year and the ‘I don’t give a shit’ feeling that I had after the exams had faded by now so I was anxious.

I was… disappointed.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t do badly but I was so far off what I aspired. My New Year’s resolution was to try and get a First in every non-maths module (there are 7) and I got 3 (though one was only off by 1) and they weren’t good Firsts either. They were scrapes to the extreme but I’ll take what I can get.

My lowest mark was in Managerial Economics which is supposed to be an ‘easy’ option and to be fair my friends did really well in it but I thoroughly lack economic sense and I have a long standing history of hating multiple choice exams. I should have known better than to listen to other people. No more non-maths modules for me.

There was one module that I was particularly disappointed with; Games, Risks and Decisions. I really enjoyed the module and I felt like I had a good grasp on the content but I got a very average mark. It’s not unfair because I know I didn’t perform well in the exam but it’s definitely not representative of my understanding. Oh well…I guess it evens out. Last year I got higher marks in modules that I knew very little about.

I don’t want to be completely negative so I’ll share a positive too. I got a First in M3T: Communicating Mathematics which is the project I wrote after my exams. It’s one of those modules where it’s usual to get a 2:1, rare to get a 2:2 but difficult to get a First so I guess I should be pleased.

I might sound obnoxious complaining about a high 2:1 but I wanted to do better and I’m pretty bummed. I’ve never not got the highest grades and I really don’t want my university degree to be where I mess up. I don’t give a shit about how it’s good to fail sometimes and how it’s a learning curve. It’s going to be challenging to get a First overall but it’s still within my grasp (just about). I just need to pull out something special next year but it’s going to be seriously tight. I don’t think I can outrightly get a First but I can get in the grey area between a 2:1 and First forcing them to discuss my case and I’ll have to pray it goes in my favour. But that’s the thing, I’m now reliant on other people rather than my own merit.

I’m such a mix of emotions right now. I’m ecstatic for my friends who are graduating with amazing marks and I’m still on a high from my action packed weekend (which I will share more about with lots of pics later) but I’m kicking myself about my results. I haven’t told my parents yet because they’re still asleep. In a way I’m glad because I’m scared I’ve disappointed them but at the same time I really need some comforting words from my mum because I can’t ‘forgive’ myself until she does… though I’m not sure that’s the right word to use here.

But there you go. I was in Paris living the good life where my biggest worry was what necklace I should wear for the wedding and now I’m back in London smacked back to reality and I need to focus on my internship and university. Don’t things change quickly!

Over and Out!