Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘fear’

150. Just me, being an idiot.

Edit: I got a call back which led to a marathon Skype session. It was perfectly fine once I got past ‘hi’.  Shouldn’t have worried.

So now that I’m totally and utterly free from uni (post about that in the works) I’ve had an alarmingly large amount of time to just think. One of the things that has been particularly bothering me is that I’ve been a pretty poor friend to my friends outside of uni. Enduring your final year at Imperial doesn’t leave much stress-free time but I still feel like it’s my fault.  Anyway the reason I’m writing this post is because I tried to rectify that today. I thought I’d call a friend who I haven’t spoken to in ages so I did; I unlocked my phone, went to the address book, found his name and then sat paralyzed in fear for about 20 minutes. I have rarely felt so pathetic.

I was actually scared. What if he doesn’t want to talk to me? How do I even start the conversation? It got to the point where I was practicing variations of  ‘hello’ and considering writing down an opening line. And the overwhelming feeling accompanying this was guilt. Guilt that I hadn’t stayed in touch. Guilt that I hadn’t called. And fear that I might lose a friend because I couldn’t get over my own god damn pride and press a button on my phone.

Anyway after convincing myself that backing out meant I was a scaredycat, I hit the ‘call’ button and listened to it ring, and ring.

Yeah it went to voicemail. Didn’t leave a message. Now I have to make sure I don’t mess things up when/if I get a call back.

Moral of the story: I need to man the eff up.

 

Over and Out!

118. No sleep.

I’m a complete wuss when it comes to scary stuff. Gore and creepy things I can handle because I can convince myself it’s all special effects and not real. But something psychological or based on real life scares the shit out of me.

The Ring, Saw… I can laugh it off. The plane scene in Final Destination or the plane scene in Cast Away is a completely different story.

I’m really not big on planes.

Yesterday I made the mistake of watching a documentary movie about United 93, the only plane that didn’t hit its target on 9/11 because the passengers overpowered the hijackers. I knew I shouldn’t have watched it but I once it started, I was pretty much glued in horror. Knowing how it ends is horrible because the whole time I was sitting there praying for an alternative outcome. The fact that it’s based on true events made me want to throw up. I can’t begin to imagine what it would have felt like to be on that flight…

…But my brain tried. In my dreams. I woke up around 4am feeling as if the air had gone out of my lungs. It took me hours to go to sleep. I tried reciting song lyrics, counting in 7’s, playing back the Philosopher’s Stone in my head. In the end I prayed myself to sleep.

I’ll be damned if I set foot on a plane anytime soon.