Do you remember how ages ago I was lamenting over the fact that I didn’t have any feelings for anyone and how rare and weird that felt.
Yeh… that’s changed. In a way I’m kinda surprised; I honestly thought I had become apathetic to the notion and that I was just DONE. Given up. Too tired to try again with anyone.
I put up a ten foot fortified emotional wall and then this wonderful idiot just came along and politely knocked on a door I didn’t know existed and strolled right in. If this wall existed in reality, I would be suing for damages right now.
To make matter worse, this person is someone who is a) not even available b) lacks all awareness of my faith and culture c) would not be approved by my family and d) is just straight up not right for me.
Do I know this? Yes.
Does it change the way I feel? No.
Whyyyyyyyyy? Why am I so stupid?
I had an inkling from the start that this might happen because we share the same sense of humour and he is impossibly curious and random and soaks up stuff like a sponge. But I honestly thought I had things under wraps; we’ll be good friends and everything will be fine. I’m a grown woman; I can control myself right? Naivety at its finest.
I didn’t realise what had happened until it was too late. I just remember watching him interact openly with a female colleague, in a way that he never has with me, and just feeling uncomfortable. It wasn’t until I found myself stomping out of the place that I realised I was jealous. And when I was halfway home and he asked me to come back, I said no because my silly feelings were hurt.
I can feel myself acting more and more like a fool e.g. wanting to know what he thinks about everything ever because I like his brain and I like his face and just him in general.
It is so annoying being able to acknowledge that yet being powerless to change it. The butterflies are nice though.
I’ll keep you guys posted about how this inevitable train crash progresses.
Over and Out!
Edit: I got a call back which led to a marathon Skype session. It was perfectly fine once I got past ‘hi’. Shouldn’t have worried.
So now that I’m totally and utterly free from uni (post about that in the works) I’ve had an alarmingly large amount of time to just think. One of the things that has been particularly bothering me is that I’ve been a pretty poor friend to my friends outside of uni. Enduring your final year at Imperial doesn’t leave much stress-free time but I still feel like it’s my fault. Anyway the reason I’m writing this post is because I tried to rectify that today. I thought I’d call a friend who I haven’t spoken to in ages so I did; I unlocked my phone, went to the address book, found his name and then sat paralyzed in fear for about 20 minutes. I have rarely felt so pathetic.
I was actually scared. What if he doesn’t want to talk to me? How do I even start the conversation? It got to the point where I was practicing variations of ‘hello’ and considering writing down an opening line. And the overwhelming feeling accompanying this was guilt. Guilt that I hadn’t stayed in touch. Guilt that I hadn’t called. And fear that I might lose a friend because I couldn’t get over my own god damn pride and press a button on my phone.
Anyway after convincing myself that backing out meant I was a scaredycat, I hit the ‘call’ button and listened to it ring, and ring.
Yeah it went to voicemail. Didn’t leave a message. Now I have to make sure I don’t mess things up when/if I get a call back.
Moral of the story: I need to man the eff up.
Over and Out!
I don’t get it- do you want my advice or do you just want me to agree with whatever you say? Like let me know- I can start neck exercises in preparation for all the nodding if that’s what you want. I thought it was in the friend job description to look out for your best interests and help you overcome your hurdles, even if one of those hurdles is you getting in your own way.
When my friend asked me if I recommended he study Mathematics at uni, I told him I thought he’d find it difficult and I suggested other subjects that were numerate but not quite so intense. I think it was a fair comment because I know what a Maths degree entails having lived through three years of it already and I took care to tell him this kindly. However all he heard me saying was ‘no’ and accused me of not being supportive and preventing him from reaching his goals.
My opinion that Maths isn’t right for him ≠ My opinion that no subject is right for him
Why do people interpret things so negatively?
Surely I don’t deserve his anger for thinking there is a better alternative out there for him?
I don’t get it.
Over and Out.