Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘funny’

Things I can’t stop saying

  1. YAAASS
  2. SLAYYY
  3. BRO
  4. BAE
  5. Srsly?
  6. Your face 
  7. That’s what she said 

Make me stop. Where am I picking up such bad habits?!

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Just Aliya Things 2

So I like to listen to music at work; more specifically I have no filter with regards to what songs I listen to. In fact the more inappropriate the better. I dunno, I just seem to get a kick out it. It may look like I’m building a spreadsheet on the outside but actually I’m having a  private party in my head screaming SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.  

This occasionally has adverse consequences. For example a few days ago someone approached me at my desk and I hastily took off my headphones but didn’t have time to mute. Unfortunately that was the exact moment Nicki Minaj ‘Only’ started to play. If you’re not familiar with the opening lines, let me enlighten you *ahem*

Yo

I never f*cked Wayne

I never f*cked Drake

All my life man – f*cks sake

If I did I’d ménage with them 

And let them eat my a** like a cupcake

These are some inspired lyrics but probably not something I’d want my colleague to hear. I’m privately optimistic that he’s deaf. 

How Not To Flirt

So the guy I like asked me what I thought of his face. I could have said anything; I could have said that he has a very nice face, (what looks like) smooth skin and that he has a cheeky grin. 

So many flattering comments I could have made…

Instead I said “if I squint and tilt my head and the lighting is just right, your face looks mildly okay”. 

He replied “I hate you”. 

I don’t know whether I deserve a round of applause or a slap. 

163. Lies At Work

Now that I’ve been working for 10 months and being a real adult and that, I feel it is time to share some common lies at the office. leggo

What they say: This should take about an hour.
The reality: This will take at least two hours

What they say: Hey, do you have time to job a quick job for me?
The reality: You’re doing this job for me. And chances are it’s not quick.

What they say: While I’m here, I’d like to talk to you about xyz.
The reality: I came here to take to you about xyz.

What they say: Oh, you’re leaving at 5? Good for you.
The reality: You must not have enough work to do. Let me rectify that.

What they say: Thank you for sending that over. Could you also provide xyz?
The reality: I couldn’t care less what you just sent over because it was not what I wanted. Send me what I want dammit.  

What they say: Oh you did that quickly!
The reality: You must have done something wrong.

What they say: I just made a few changes.
The reality: I changed fucking everything.

What they say: Please let me know if you have any questions.
The reality: For the love of god please don’t ask me anything.

What they say: I’d like to request leave on xyz.
The reality: I don’t care what you say. I’m going. This email is a formality.

What they say: Hey how’s that piece of work coming along?
The reality: I wanted it 2 hours ago. What is taking so long?

What they say: What’s your capacity like?
The reality: I have some work for you.

What they say: Hey how’s it going?
The reality: I have some work for you.

What they say: Did you have a good weekend?
The reality: I have some work for you.

See a trend here?

Over and Out!

155. Types of People You See On the Dancefloor at an Indian Wedding

The Closet Professional

These people have to be physically dragged onto the dancefloor but once they get there, they’re busting out moves you’ve never seen before and they’re bruk-bruk-brukking it down like no tomorrow.

The Girls Standing in a Circle doing ‘Tali’

You know what I mean. Shuffle around and do the customary clap in front of you and behind your shoulder. Basically the brown version of ring a ring a roses.

The Bhangra Champions

I swear at every party, there’s a duo of Punjabi guys hitting such fierce moves that it makes your thighs hurt just watching them. Balle balle my friends.

The Uncle

Towards the end of the night, Coca Cola and/or alcohol lead to over confident uncles dancing the dances from three decades ago. I’m talking moonwalk, night fever, the standing-on-your-toes Jackson style and randomness.

Luna Lovegood

That one person in the corner who’s just doing their own thang oblivious to everyone else.

The one that wants to dance but isn’t allowed to

Sometimes people are forced to contain their enthusiasm in case they dishonour the family name with booty shaking. Doesn’t stop them trying though.

The kids

Their dancing basically consists of jumping up and down with their arms in the air. 

The Non-Indian People

Usually looking mildly uncomfortable and attempting to do the one hand on hip, other hand doing the lightbulb. They start getting really excited when a Western song comes on, only to realise it’s a Bhangra remix. Sorry guys.

The bride and groom

Ahh the awkward First dance. Here several things are observed. The couple maintain a safe distance apart. His hands are super glued to her side, no wandering allowed! And of course the mandatory sway/ shuffle. All the while the aunties look on tutting.

Over and Out!

148. Run Forrest Run!

So with my final exam tomorrow morning, what am I doing? Writing this post of course. Huzzah for procrastination!

Actually I wanted to share this story.

My cousin had some PE test involving semi long distance running and like me she hates running. Unlike me however, she cared enough to practice and got her older brother to help her. I don’t know how he did it but he made her run laps and it turns out she’s pretty good when there’s someone barking at her. She lamented that for the actual run he wouldn’t be there… and he said well why not? I’ll come.

So her 24 year old brother strolled into her secondary school and just joined the line up of people running. Clearly her school has some security issues. He ran with her, shouting at her the entire time, AMINAH RUN! AMINAH HURRY UP! AMINAH WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW?

She came second.

And do you know who was happiest when she took home her trophy?

That’s right, her smug brother.

 

144. Basically the entire student population right now.

*sweeps away books*

*rips up notes*

*runs out into the sun arms outstretched*