Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘home’

Breaking into my house

So we recently took up the opportunity to buy the house directly next door to us. No one has lived in it for 20 years. Opening the door feels like opening a time capsule. The decor, the furniture, everything is so so old. It needs a lot of work; the whole thing is a mess. The roof needs fixing. The central heating needs updating. The God damn bath tub is made out of cast iron. And the garden is basically a network of homocidal stinging nettles.

This week we have focused on central heating. The way it was originally set up is actually illegal now because it is so inefficient. They didn’t even separate the supply from the return which is plumbing 101. Anyway this entire week I have been dashing from one house to the next fetching tools and keeping my poor dad hydrated and engergised. This means opening and closing the shoddy front door several times a day. This door is so dodgy and awkward that you have to kick it (hard) in just the right place or it won’t open. This evening however the door threw a strop and didn’t budge even after we nearly broke our legs smashing it. We were essentially locked out of our house.

What to do?

It’s pitch black outside but we need to get back in. We got a ladder and climbed onto the kitchen extension roof and walked across to next door. From here we had access to the bathroom window. But of course it was too small for my dad to get through.

Guess who had to pull her sorry arse ungracefully through this damn window in pitch darkness and land on friggin floorboard with nails poking out.

That’s right, me.

My butt hurts.

Grief

My phupho, my dad’s sister, passed away this morning. She had suffered with ill health for the majority of her life and if there is anything positive at all to take away from this, it is that she is no longer in pain. But she leaves behind two children, aged only 21 and 17 whose lives have been turned upside down in a heartbeat.

She was one of the most gentlest women I have ever known. She was never physically strong but she was a fierce mother.

We found out yesterday that she had been taken to the hospital and that things were looking bad. However this had happened several times before and we all prayed that she’d get through it again. But everyone’s body has a limit and she reached hers.

My family is stricken; the grief in my house is palpable. Today has just been a blur of tears, tissues and phonecalls, so many phonecalls. My dad is the rock of our house who always keeps a level head and he’s just broken. I can’t even look him in the eye; it hurts me to see him like this. My mum has been alternating between stories of my phupho and heavy choking sobs. And me. All I keep hearing in my head is her voice saying ‘Aliya beti (child)’ the way she used to. I find some comfort in tears but then a little while later someone says something and the grief hits me again like a tidal wave.

The only thing I pray for this New Year is that my phupho rest in peace and that God gives the rest of us strength.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon
“Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return”

81. Beetroot Juice

Recently my Mum has been obsessed with beetroot. She thinks we should all start chowing it down because it’s so good for us. Now I’m not averse to a bit of beetroot (and every time I eat some, I simply have to look in the mirror and check how red my tongue is) but I have limits. One of those limits is beetroot juice… hot beetroot juice.

My mum asked me to drink some and I was like:

Do you want to see me puke it up on the carpet? First off, it stinks. Secondly it looks like blood. Thirdly it was hot.

After I said no, my mum was like DRINK IT. DRINK IT NOW. What was the point of asking me if you were just going to force it upon me anyway?! I’m 21 years old and my mum can still make me to drink crap I don’t want to drink.

I reluctantly picked up the cup and pretended to take a gulp. Clearly my acting skills are not up to par because my mum knew straight away. She left me the whole cup and a threat: ‘this better be finished when I come back’.

I searched the room looking for a way out.

  1. I couldn’t drain it down the sink- Mum was in the kitchen.
  2. I couldn’t give it to the plants- their leaves would turn red.
  3. I couldn’t randomly take a stroll in the garden and accidentally drop it in the grass- Mum would be suspicious.

I was stuck.

I had to drink it.

77. And then I heard a blood curdling scream…

My dad loves to pull pranks and his favourite victim is my mother. Now my mum isn’t one to get easily surprised (all mothers have eyes at the back of their heads after all) but occasionally my dad catches her completely off guard to terrifying effect. Today was such a day AND he managed to get an accomplice to aid him.

We had a guest come to our house early in the morning but my mum didn’t hear the doorbell because she was watering the flowers in the garden. Instead my dad opened the door. It was my mum’s friend who just wanted to drop by to say ‘hi’. He convinced her it would be a good idea to surprise my mum. What he did was call my mum from inside of the house and she opened the garden door fulling expecting to see my dad behind it. Instead my dad had our guest stationed there who my mother totally didn’t expect to see.

She let out a blood curdling scream which I heard from upstairs in my room with the windows closed. She then burst into tears. I shouldn’t have laughed. My mum crying should not be amusing but I did. I laughed. I mean come on- as far as pranks go, this was a complete winner. I think the fact that she was so relaxed made her even more unprepared for the shock.

Anyhow I went down and consoled her. I have rarely seen her so pissed/ shaken. She is totally not going to speak him for the next few hours (minimum). My dad and the guest meanwhile were looking visibly guilty. I doubt they’ll be trying that again anytime soon. Lol.

66. I think my discomfort-meter just peaked.

lucaspeytontruelovealways

Good God, seeing something steamy on TV when my parents are around is one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever.

Picture the scene: Two characters will be talking and to my horror I’ll realise they’re flirting and the sexual tension is building. Two seconds later they leap on other, snogging the living daylights out of one other and ripping off each other clothes.

Here’s what usually happens when I’m stuck in this situation:

Avoid all eye contact
Look anywhere…anywhere at all, besides the tv screen. This is the perfect time to start counting how many flowers are on my wallpaper (126).

Fidget 
Do something, anything, so that it looks like I’m distracted from the shenanigans on tv. I usually feign getting more ‘comfortable’, patting the cushions or twiddling my thumbs.

Check my phone
Lifesaver! Remember that text I got yesterday that I couldn’t be bothered to reply to- well now’s the perfect time to reply with an essay. Check Facebook. Scroll through my photos. Change my ringtone settings- it doesn’t matter that my phone is always on silent. Just look busy.

Take a loo break
If I’ve seen the movie before and anticipate a steamy scene, I will just dash upstairs and have a pee. If my bladder’s empty, I’ll simply wash my hands and contemplate life or something.
I did this one time and I went downstairs feeling smug that I’d just escaped an awkward situation only to realise that my dad had pressed pause so I didn’t miss anything. Epic fail.

Head for the fridge
Fill the awkwardness with food. One time I searched the fridge but there was nothing decent to snack on. I didn’t want to come back empty handed so I took a tomato.

Awkward fast forwarding
If the show’s recorded, the natural thing to do is to fast forward. This is an awful time to lose the remote (I’m still scarred from that incident). The bad thing about fast forwarding is that you still ‘see’ everything…just very quickly.

Change the channel
If it’s not recorded, someone will usually change the channel and I’ll pretend to be really engrossed about some documentary about.. something. There have been a few times when my dad’s changed the channel and then changed back (often more than once) but they’re still ‘at it’. Cringe.
The worst time was when my dad changed channels to a programme that was also in the middle of a steamy moment. I could have cried.

Over and Out!

59. I’ll make lunch he said

On my days off, I’m usually in charge of making lunch (or in my case breakfast) but today my Dad kindly volunteered to make it instead. I got the call/yell from downstairs that food was ready (Aluuuu nechay ao!) and I saw this:

food

I like vegetables… you know as an accompaniment to real food. I was sure that my dad would bring something else out like some grilled fish, roast chicken perhaps (wishful thinking), heck even some potatoes. Nothing came.

I stared at my dad all blank faced and said ‘but where is the food?’ to which he said ‘this is the food’.
Disappointment level: Jack Sparrow

But why is the rum gone?!

I ate my bland rabbit food but I’ll be making my own lunch in future, thank you very much.

Over and Out!

28. Welcome to my humble abode

It’s only when you have other people around your house that you realise just how weird your home and family are. Yesterday I had my friends over for belated birthday celebrations highlighting exactly this point…

  • When someone phones us, 3 phones start ringing all of which have different ring tones which just leads to an almighty racket. Stopping this din is the only reason we pick up the phone.
  • People are always phoning my house, quite often at the same time so we were forced to get call waiting.
  • My parents are very affectionate and I don’t really mind, but if my friends are right in front of me and are here for my 21st and my mum is squishing my cheeks like I’m 5, then I do mind.
  • My mum is a tutor so there are ALWAYS kids at my house. Many of them turn up unannounced or an hour late or their parents are late picking them up. This also means we must have the most rung doorbell in our general vicinity.

All of the above make it bloody difficult to watch anything on tv without subtitles! What would I do without internet tv?!

Very few people can enter my home without experiencing at least one awkward moment. I guess this is the price you pay for knowing me. Awkward moments ensue due the lack of privacy I have. The only doors in my house that have a lock are the bathroom and the front door. So if we’re dancing like fools in the living room, we gon’ get caught. If we’re watching a movie that has only one sex scene, my parents WILL walk in during that one part and judge me forever. This is law.

With all that said, having my friends around yesterday was great fun! We watched Step Up because it has such an unpredictable plotline (!) and so I could drool over Channing Tatum (potential Perv Post candidate!). There was also lots of munching and even after telling my mum to tone it down, there was still enough food for 20. That’s my mother for you. Always feeding people. Afterwards robot dancing, there were attempts at moonwalking and twirling followed by a rather impressive rap battle of ‘Ninjas’ in Paris.  Yeh boi!

Over and Out!