Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘Humor’

145. Brain Fart

So Seb kinda brain farted and came up with these questions for me…and I’ve finally found some time to formulate some responses.

1- Who would win in a fight between a legless gorilla with chainsaws for hands and an ostrich with robo legs made out of titanium? And what are your reasons for this?

I feel like this depends on what the saw in the chainsaw is made of. If it’s brutal enough to cut through titanium then the ostrich loses its advantage. However I think titanium is pretty damn strong and added to the fact that the ostrich will probably be able to move quicker, I feel like it has the edge. Continuously karate kick that gorilla in the face! I’d like to see this battle.

2- Do you think that people who don’t follow whatever you believe in on a religious scale are doomed in the afterlife, regardless of how nice they are?

Absolutely not. The majority of people believe what their parents believe because that was what they were taught. If people really are doomed for believing the wrong thing and their parents beliefs are supposedly ‘wrong’, then they too are doomed by association. That just seems grossly unfair to me. I don’t even believe religious beliefs qualify you for a happy afterlife. I’ve always felt than being a decent human being takes priority.

3- If you had to, would you rather have wings which give you the ability to fly for a minute, but then you gotta rest the flying for an hour because it’s super tiring, or would you rather have a tail that is flexible and can carry your own body weight and you can use it whenever? The wings and tail can be in your own image.

Having a tail probably wouldn’t be the best look… Also if I had a tail, I’d probably use it all the time to carry my lazy arse around and then I’d get fat and look even worse. Yes, vain I know. By that logic wings all the way. Plus omg flying.

4- If you had the opportunity to instantly learn any language in the world that you don’t already know, which one would you pick?

That’s easy- Elvish. It’s just sounds divine no matter what you say or how nasty. Plus it’s hella sexy! I point you to this video of Liv Tyler:

5- Favourite Pokémon?

Don’t shout at me but whilst I enjoyed Pokemon as a kid, I’m not a hardcore fan. I don’t know all the names of the original Pokemon and I also never played the games. That being said- Pikachu. I do good Pika Pika impersonations. Hire me for £5 an hour.

6- Tell me about the moment when you felt the most betrayed and used.

If I shared that experience here, shit would hit the fan. Instead I will say that it was awful and I have never felt more stupid.

7- If you had the option to wipe out all people who had one particular personality trait or image in common, who would you annihilate and why?

I have a really low tolerance for people who don’t have a sense of humour and/or can’t take a joke. That’s not to say I think everyone should turn into giggly idiots. I just feel it’s important to be able to laugh at yourself and whatever bad situation you might be in. I also find it annoying having to censor what I say to avoid offending their sensitive ears. So yeh, them.

8- If you become rich and famous, could I please have some money? Couple of grand would be fine.

Sure. You’ll have to get in line though. SO many people have made dibs on my salary. I’m not gonna have anything left.

9- If I were to bring you into my crew in a post-apocalyptic world, (e.g zombies) what skills do you have that would benefit the group enough for us to take you on?

1. I have killer stinkbomb farts that would keep an army of zombies at bay. I have people that can validate this.

2. I can count because I do maths and shit. This could be useful. For example ‘Argh Seb there are one, two, THREE zombies on our tail’.

3. I’m short and small so don’t take up much room.

4. Under pressure I have mad reflexes. I discovered then when I was 15 and the guy I had a crush on threw scissors at my face (his way of showing affection?) and I caught them millimetres from my face like a ninja. He then threw a ruler really hard at my head and I caught that too so it wasn’t just a fluke!

10- If Stalin and Hitler were hanging off the edge of a cliff and you had to save one, which dictator would you save?

Good God they’re both grade A bastards. I don’t think there’s an obvious choice here. Although people know Hitler was a nasty piece of work, I feel like people generally underestimate Stalin’s crimes. Stalin overall is responsible for more deaths perhaps not directly but certainly through his policies. Also Hitler only invaded Poland (often taken to be the trigger for WW2) after the Nazi-Soviet pact. Had Stalin not agreed to this, I think there’s a good chance a world war could have been avoided. On these grounds, I vote Stalin.  (This is probably the first time my GCSE in History has come in useful!)

11- Tell me about an invention you could make a reality, even if it’s actually impossible to do.

I have actually thought about this before. I would like to invent a painless, instant form of hair removal that is permanent. I just think it would save women so much grief and time and money (and pain). We’ve sent people to the moon, surely we can find a way to blast some hair follicles permanently. C’monnnn. I honestly think it would be Nobel prize worthy.

Over and Out!

141. Pick up lines so bad they’re good.

T’is Valentines day. Instead of roses or mush or complaining about how unromantic my day will be, I hope the following absurdly awful pick up lines will make you laugh (or cringe) (or both).

Honesty is an admirable quality.

 

I’d take this as a huge compliment.

 

The speech bubble kills me every time.

I genuinely think this is so smooth.

Lol ‘be here in 10 minutes’

Quite possibly my favourite pick up line ever.

This makes the mathematician in me very happy.

My most romantic relationship right now is probably with my wifi <3.

*snort*

The picture of David Tenant is also a very welcome addition.

*giggle*

I’m so easily pleased.

Over and Out!

140. What I tell myself v. What actually happens

What I tell myself: I’ll just have a quick nap. I’ll be so alert and energised afterwards.
What actually happens: Omg it’s tomorrow.

What I tell myself: I’ll start working at 7.30.
What actually happens: Oh look it’s 7.31, better start at 8.00 now.

What I tell myself: Oh god I’m so full- I cannot eat another bite.
What actually happens: Oooh ice cream! I got room for that.

What I tell myself: I’m going to try all of these questions without looking at the answers. The struggle is part of the question.
What actually happens: Fuck it where are those solutions? Ain’t nobody got time fo’ this.

What I tell myself: Omg he’s a douchebag- I’m never speaking to him again.
What actually happens: Hmm it’s been an hour. Maybe I should say sorry.

What I tell myself: I am going to do lots of revision today.
What actually happens: Hole punching my notes and neatly putting them into a folder counts as revision right?

What I tell myself: Ehhh I don’t want to have a bath.
What actually happens: I am a dolphin. I am a mermaid. I’m never leaving this tub.

What I tell myself: I shall read sophisticated books to improve my vocabulary.
What actually happens: Where’s my copy of 50 shades of Grey?

What I tell myself: Now that I’ve bought new kitchen utensils and oven equipment I will become a domestic goddess.
What actually happens: *eats Cornflakes for dinner*

What I tell myself: I need to lose weight- right! Time to do 50 sit ups.
What actually happens: *does 20* Good God, I can’t move.

What I tell myself: Saving a document? I’ll save it as ‘shizzle24’. It is both descriptive and I’ll remember exactly what it is in future.
What actually happens: *in the future* God dammit why do I have 36 files called shizzle.

What I tell myself: I’ll just watch the first episode of this series to decide if I like it.
What actually happens: What do you mean there are no more episodes to watch?! I’ve only watched 3 seasons in 3 days.

What I tell myself: I should really sort out my underarms.
What actually happens: Hmm forgot to do my underarms. I’ll just get through the day avoiding lifting my arms at all cost.

What I tell myself: I’m going to get up 10 minutes earlier so that I don’t have to rush.
What actually happens: Leaves 5 minutes late.

What I tell myself: I’m going to make an effort to look presentable and female.
What actually happens: Unflattering jeans and hoodie it is.

Over and Out!

134. Emotionally Single

Literally me from the age of 14 to 20. Embarrassing? Absolutely. But there is something about talking to your crush that is both exciting and frustrating; it’s a mix between the anxiety from over analysing everything they’re saying (oh my god they said ‘heyyy’ instead of ‘hey’… success!) and joy that they’re even responding.

Yes I am that psychotic girl who hides behind her keyboard. I am like 500 million times funnier and more interesting online because I feel #like a boss and fear nothing. In person in any kind of vaguely non-platonic situation I’m either silent or chatting absolute bollocks. I am fail.

This video got me thinking though…I haven’t had a crush on anyone non-fictional/ non celebrity for a while now… and it’s a bit a rarity for me (I don’t crush on loads of people, just a few people but for extended periods of time). It feels weird.

I’m not thinking about anyone else. I’m not wondering what they’re doing. I’m making even less of an effort when it comes to what I look like (didn’t think it was possible). That last one’s quite bad. I shouldn’t have to fancy someone to put in some time to distinguish myself as a woman.

What all this does means however is that I now have a lot more free time (good thing too because I have so much damn work). Who knew pining was so time consuming?

Secretly though, I think I miss it. Sure it was emotionally draining and it felt like my hormones were flying all over the place but something small like my crush starting a conversation could make my day and make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Now something really special has to happen to make my day. Even academic success doesn’t cut it anymore.

The worst thing about all of this is the timing. This is not the optimum time to be emotionally single especially when my mother is saying things like ‘you need to find a man’ as if I can just order one I like online. It is not easy and I don’t have time to get my flirt on. I’m not even sure I remember how to get my flirt on.

Ehhh I feel like a younger, brown version of Bridget Jones.

Over and Out!

109. Oooh an award!

I’d like to share some good news with you guys; I’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award by Joe at Confessions of a Technophile and George from [insertnamehere], both of which are awesome blogs (check them out!). Thank you for nominating me *runs around in circles*. It made me feel very happy and warm inside!

Similar to the Liebster award there are a few steps to this:

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Put the Versatile blogger badge on your blog.
  • Spread the love and nominate 15 other people.
  • Post 7 facts about yourself

Righty I’m going to start with the 7 facts. These really are random.

  1. I have had crushes on animated characters including Yu-Gi (the Pharoah not the kid) and Flynn Rider from Tangled. I think there’s something about the hair…
  2. When I was a toddler I point blank refused to drink my milk unless it was in a big bottle and filled right to the top. Quite a madam at even a young age…
  3. I would like to be buried with my glasses on.
  4. I dance in empty elevators every opportunity I get.
  5. One week in secondary school there were cameramen filming some shots for a promo video to be shown on open evenings. I was filmed cooking an omelette but when I flipped it I got nervous and it broke (and I looked horrifed). Yeah they put that shot in the video. I’d say several thousand parents have laughed at my cooking incompetency since.
  6. I absolutely despise red varnish. It makes me think of hookers.
  7. One of my uncles once lifted me from my forearms and I dislocated my elbow. My dad told me put some ice on it. We only went to the hospital 2 hours later.

And my nominees are:

Emmajeanss: Insightful, interesting posts with a health dose of humour. Deffo ones for the girls!

Khinjarsi: a fellow university go-er and Neopet-er! She talks about uni, diets, jobs, friends and life. Sounds versatile to me!

Mitten’s Kittens: a blog about writing, jobs, and books with lots of thought provoking articles in between!

The Thought Buffet: random, brutally honest and amusing!

BULLSHiT: posts from several people on an array of topics. Really fun read!

The scribbling train: the scribbles and thoughts of an English Lit student on things from books to make-up!

The Gratitudenist: an almost eclectic mix of posts but that’s what keeps this blog fresh!

We Can Always Dance Tomorrow: a blog about music, being a woman and life!

I’d also like to make a special mention to  Omnia and Ibtehaal because they both have awesome blogs too but they seem to be on hiatus 😦

I know this isn’t 15 but I’d rather nominate blogs that I can actually really really like than add some that I don’t know very well. I’ll post on all of your about pages tomorrow.

For now I must sleep!

Thank youuuuuuuu

Over and Out!

 

 

108. No Not You!

This guy LAHWF on YouTube is absolutely jokes. He conducts social experiments and then shares people’s reactions- in this particular video he makes people feel as if he’s going to high five them but actually high fives someone behind them. Hilarity ensues! Enjoy!

Over and Out!

101. Djokovic: What a djoker!

I am loving where men’s tennis is at right now. It is fiercely competitive what with Clay King Nadal, Federer the Gentlemen and Djokovic the Djoker (bad joke but still funny) all in the game right now. It’s rare for so much talent to be in the sport at the same time and these guys have raised the bar so high in a matter of a few years.

More so than just raising the profile of tennis, I find it refreshing that Djokovic has injected much needed humour into the sport. Tennis players are traditionally thought of as rather competitive serious folk on the court. Take Nadal for example- he looks like he’s grimacing the whole time (not to say that he isn’t light hearted off the court). Federer has so much grace and elegance but he’s no comic. Djokovic meanwhile has become rather well known for his impersonations and you know what?- he’s hilarious (and also rather handsome *cough* *cough* but that’s besides the point).

This video of him imitating Maria Sharapova (probably the most vocal female tennis player ever) alongside Dimitrov (who happens to be Sharapova’s boyfriend) properly cracked me up!

Apologies for the bad picture quality. I couldn’t find a better one 😦

As for Wimbledon 2013, I have no idea what’s been going on. It has been hella weird this year what with Nadal, Federer and Tsonga all going out in the early rounds and people complaining about the ‘slippy’ grass. Either way I hope Djokovic (and Murray) go far!

Oh and here’s a video of Djokovic dancing. He’s *almost* as good as I am.

Over and Out!