- Your face
- That’s what she said
Make me stop. Where am I picking up such bad habits?!
Make me stop. Where am I picking up such bad habits?!
So I like to listen to music at work; more specifically I have no filter with regards to what songs I listen to. In fact the more inappropriate the better. I dunno, I just seem to get a kick out it. It may look like I’m building a spreadsheet on the outside but actually I’m having a private party in my head screaming SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
This occasionally has adverse consequences. For example a few days ago someone approached me at my desk and I hastily took off my headphones but didn’t have time to mute. Unfortunately that was the exact moment Nicki Minaj ‘Only’ started to play. If you’re not familiar with the opening lines, let me enlighten you *ahem*
I never f*cked Wayne
I never f*cked Drake
All my life man – f*cks sake
If I did I’d ménage with them
And let them eat my a** like a cupcake
These are some inspired lyrics but probably not something I’d want my colleague to hear. I’m privately optimistic that he’s deaf.
*sweeps away books*
*rips up notes*
*runs out into the sun arms outstretched*
T’is Valentines day. Instead of roses or mush or complaining about how unromantic my day will be, I hope the following absurdly awful pick up lines will make you laugh (or cringe) (or both).
I’m so easily pleased.
Over and Out!
What I tell myself: I’ll just have a quick nap. I’ll be so alert and energised afterwards.
What actually happens: Omg it’s tomorrow.
What I tell myself: I’ll start working at 7.30.
What actually happens: Oh look it’s 7.31, better start at 8.00 now.
What I tell myself: Oh god I’m so full- I cannot eat another bite.
What actually happens: Oooh ice cream! I got room for that.
What I tell myself: I’m going to try all of these questions without looking at the answers. The struggle is part of the question.
What actually happens: Fuck it where are those solutions? Ain’t nobody got time fo’ this.
What I tell myself: Omg he’s a douchebag- I’m never speaking to him again.
What actually happens: Hmm it’s been an hour. Maybe I should say sorry.
What I tell myself: I am going to do lots of revision today.
What actually happens: Hole punching my notes and neatly putting them into a folder counts as revision right?
What I tell myself: Ehhh I don’t want to have a bath.
What actually happens: I am a dolphin. I am a mermaid. I’m never leaving this tub.
What I tell myself: I shall read sophisticated books to improve my vocabulary.
What actually happens: Where’s my copy of 50 shades of Grey?
What I tell myself: Now that I’ve bought new kitchen utensils and oven equipment I will become a domestic goddess.
What actually happens: *eats Cornflakes for dinner*
What I tell myself: I need to lose weight- right! Time to do 50 sit ups.
What actually happens: *does 20* Good God, I can’t move.
What I tell myself: Saving a document? I’ll save it as ‘shizzle24’. It is both descriptive and I’ll remember exactly what it is in future.
What actually happens: *in the future* God dammit why do I have 36 files called shizzle.
What I tell myself: I’ll just watch the first episode of this series to decide if I like it.
What actually happens: What do you mean there are no more episodes to watch?! I’ve only watched 3 seasons in 3 days.
What I tell myself: I should really sort out my underarms.
What actually happens: Hmm forgot to do my underarms. I’ll just get through the day avoiding lifting my arms at all cost.
What I tell myself: I’m going to get up 10 minutes earlier so that I don’t have to rush.
What actually happens: Leaves 5 minutes late.
What I tell myself: I’m going to make an effort to look presentable and female.
What actually happens: Unflattering jeans and hoodie it is.
Over and Out!
I can’t be the only one.
Over and Out!
That moment when your favourite song comes on…
So cute! This little lady is gonna be a rave on the dance floor when she gets older!
Over and Out.
This cracked me up…because it’s so damn true!
Over and Out!
My dad loves to pull pranks and his favourite victim is my mother. Now my mum isn’t one to get easily surprised (all mothers have eyes at the back of their heads after all) but occasionally my dad catches her completely off guard to terrifying effect. Today was such a day AND he managed to get an accomplice to aid him.
We had a guest come to our house early in the morning but my mum didn’t hear the doorbell because she was watering the flowers in the garden. Instead my dad opened the door. It was my mum’s friend who just wanted to drop by to say ‘hi’. He convinced her it would be a good idea to surprise my mum. What he did was call my mum from inside of the house and she opened the garden door fulling expecting to see my dad behind it. Instead my dad had our guest stationed there who my mother totally didn’t expect to see.
She let out a blood curdling scream which I heard from upstairs in my room with the windows closed. She then burst into tears. I shouldn’t have laughed. My mum crying should not be amusing but I did. I laughed. I mean come on- as far as pranks go, this was a complete winner. I think the fact that she was so relaxed made her even more unprepared for the shock.
Anyhow I went down and consoled her. I have rarely seen her so pissed/ shaken. She is totally not going to speak him for the next few hours (minimum). My dad and the guest meanwhile were looking visibly guilty. I doubt they’ll be trying that again anytime soon. Lol.
Texting. I didn’t fully appreciate this art form until I got unlimited texts. I figured that if you had something to text, you might as well call someone up and just tell them. I could not be more wrong! Texting is amazing for passing on jokes, keeping entertained in lectures, communicating things you’re afraid to say and for boring, menial things. If I rang people up asking them where they were for every time I texted them that question, they’d probably change their number.
But like with everything in life, you get all sorts of texters. I am guilty of falling in more than one of the categories below from time to time. I’m sure you guys do too.
Those who reply instantly
It’s like these people are just waiting for your text. I can’t even hit the send button in 2 seconds it took them to type a fully-formed response. Unless it’s a boring text, I need to spend a bit of time thinking of an answer and then reading over it to make sure I don’t sound like an idiot. When people reply instantly, it also puts pressure on you to reply quickly too which normally leads to some long arse texting marathon.
Those who chat speak too much
These people ought to be charged for abuse against the English language. They butcher every other word claiming that it’s faster. How is ‘iz’ faster to text than ‘is’? It takes me longer to decipher their message than to actually respond.
Those who go crazy with emoticons
This is a text, not Pictionary. Please express yourself in sentences so that I don’t have to guess what you mean. Some people take it to the other extreme too. They’ll send about 20 smiley faces. I got that you were happy after the first 3. Similarly for sad faces.
Those who use the number of x’s at the end of every text to express their feelings
I personally think using x’s is redundant. Used sparingly, it can be cute but if you end every text to every Tom, Dick and Harry with xoxo, it means nothing. I know people who count the number of x’s their boyfriend/girlfriend sent to decipher how they’re feeling. Oh shit she only sent 2 x’s. She must be pissed with me from yesterday. What is this? xoxo-ception?!
Lol- pretty much the go-to response when someone doesn’t actually give a toss.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow’. ‘lol cool’.
What is amusing about that statement?
If I said I got hit by a car, would you lol then too?
Those who never reply because their phone is always off or they have no credit or battery
The lack of credit is becoming less of an issue with the emergence of Whatsapp but back in the day, it used to be really annoying. Why do you have a phone if you don’t have enough money on it to actually use it for its primary functions ie. to call and text? Similarly for having it switched off. Why have it at all? Might as well drop it into the ocean for all it’s worth.
Those who reply with essays
Some people have real trouble being concise. You might have asked a simple question and this person will reply in paragraphs weighing up pros and cons before coming to a conclusion. Alternatively they’ll just add a lot of redundant, pointless information which you’ll have to sift through before you actually find the answer to the question you asked.
Those who never let the conversation end
This person just has to have the last word even if it’s ‘haha’. Now if you have 2 people like this texting each other, you’re gonna be there a looong time. There’s also the classic trick of including at least one question in your reply which essentially forces the person you’re texting to text back or else they look rude for ignoring you. We’ve all done it. Don’t even deny it.
Those who give you one word answers
These people actually anger me. If I’m texting you, I probably care about your opinion and if you reply saying ‘k’, your opinion is about as useful as a watermelon’s. Talk about killing the conversation.
Those who just don’t reply
If I wanted to be ignored, I’d strike a conversation with a brick wall. To be honest that would less disappointing than talking to these people. At least I don’t have any expectations from a brick wall. The most common excuse for this behaviour is that they were ‘too busy’. Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was too insignificant for you to find time in your important life to reply to a simple text. I noticed you had time to go on facebook and whatsapp though.