Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘mother’

89. Every time my mum goes to Mothercare…

She comes back like: WHY DON’T YOU HAVE CHILDREN ALREADY! I saw this beautiful baby dress that had lace and sequins on it and it was so cute and it had matching socks and a hairband AND I WANTED TO BUY IT AND THE PUSHCHAIR (it was half price!) AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS BABIES CAN BOUNCE AROUND IN but I couldn’t buy them because you’re too big now and I don’t have any grandchildren. THIS IS YOUR FAULT ALIYA. GOD, HURRY UP.

And I’m just standing there like…

What just happened?

*fart*

I mean I could make it happen if you really want. Let me know Ma. Like I don’t mind looking after a burping, pooping, fart machine for the rest of my life just so you can buy clothes.

(I do want kids, honest. Just you know…later. Like… later later.)

Over and Out!

 

81. Beetroot Juice

Recently my Mum has been obsessed with beetroot. She thinks we should all start chowing it down because it’s so good for us. Now I’m not averse to a bit of beetroot (and every time I eat some, I simply have to look in the mirror and check how red my tongue is) but I have limits. One of those limits is beetroot juice… hot beetroot juice.

My mum asked me to drink some and I was like:

Do you want to see me puke it up on the carpet? First off, it stinks. Secondly it looks like blood. Thirdly it was hot.

After I said no, my mum was like DRINK IT. DRINK IT NOW. What was the point of asking me if you were just going to force it upon me anyway?! I’m 21 years old and my mum can still make me to drink crap I don’t want to drink.

I reluctantly picked up the cup and pretended to take a gulp. Clearly my acting skills are not up to par because my mum knew straight away. She left me the whole cup and a threat: ‘this better be finished when I come back’.

I searched the room looking for a way out.

  1. I couldn’t drain it down the sink- Mum was in the kitchen.
  2. I couldn’t give it to the plants- their leaves would turn red.
  3. I couldn’t randomly take a stroll in the garden and accidentally drop it in the grass- Mum would be suspicious.

I was stuck.

I had to drink it.

77. And then I heard a blood curdling scream…

My dad loves to pull pranks and his favourite victim is my mother. Now my mum isn’t one to get easily surprised (all mothers have eyes at the back of their heads after all) but occasionally my dad catches her completely off guard to terrifying effect. Today was such a day AND he managed to get an accomplice to aid him.

We had a guest come to our house early in the morning but my mum didn’t hear the doorbell because she was watering the flowers in the garden. Instead my dad opened the door. It was my mum’s friend who just wanted to drop by to say ‘hi’. He convinced her it would be a good idea to surprise my mum. What he did was call my mum from inside of the house and she opened the garden door fulling expecting to see my dad behind it. Instead my dad had our guest stationed there who my mother totally didn’t expect to see.

She let out a blood curdling scream which I heard from upstairs in my room with the windows closed. She then burst into tears. I shouldn’t have laughed. My mum crying should not be amusing but I did. I laughed. I mean come on- as far as pranks go, this was a complete winner. I think the fact that she was so relaxed made her even more unprepared for the shock.

Anyhow I went down and consoled her. I have rarely seen her so pissed/ shaken. She is totally not going to speak him for the next few hours (minimum). My dad and the guest meanwhile were looking visibly guilty. I doubt they’ll be trying that again anytime soon. Lol.

16. -_- Motherrr

I don’t know if this is an asian trait but my mum jumps to conclusions faster than I can run to the fridge. I said literally 5 sentences about a guy from university and I might have complimented him like once and she comes out with:

Do you like him?

*splutters*

Does he like you?

*jaw drop*

What’s his name? Does he have facebook? Show me his picture. Oh he’s cute. Where does he live? Is he clever? What were his GCSE’s?

*silence*

Invite him to your birthday party!

MUM I REALLY DON’T KNOW HIM THAT WELL.

 

-_- GCSEs? Seriously? What is this… some sort ‘filtering’? I hardly know the guy! How am I supposed to know such details?! Jeez.

My mother also thinks I am some sort of human incarnation of Aphrodite and that I can seduce any guy I want. I don’t it’s possible to be much further from the truth -_-

Less like this…

 

...and more like this

…and more like this…please guys…control yourselves.

Another concern is that my mum is annoyingly right about me and tends to figure out this sort of stuff before I actually do. But NO. She is not right this time!

More worryingly, is she going to assault the dude I actually like in a similar fashion? He’s gonna go running for the door.