Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘parents’

Shame

So I usually find myself writing/rambling when my feelings are all over the place. I guess this is one of those times.

I got the results from my second sitting of the actuarial exams yesterday. I passed one and I failed one. Let me clarify that; I, Aliya Khalid, who has never really failed anything before, failed an exam. So this whole thing has been a rather novel experience.

I’m fairly accepting that I failed this exam. I knew it was borderline and I have a hundred excuses to justify it but the honest truth is, I should have prepared more. No, the part I was worried about was how my parents would react. I must have asked them a dozen times:

‘How would you react if I failed an exam?’

‘Yeah but you didn’t.’

‘But what if I did?’

And now, this was my great opportunity to find out.

I thought it was my mum I should worry about and that my dad would take it on my chin. I couldn’t be more wrong if I tried (I must be really off my game).

My mum was perfect; the poster ad for supportive parent. It’ll be fine; you were busy at work; we went to the wedding in Scotland days before your exam; you can sit it later; this won’t hold you back; it’ll be fine. And I thought great- what was I worrying about- now I just need to tell my dad.

Do you know what he said?

‘I’m so disappointed.’

It was like being doused with cold water.

Disappointed? I haven’t put a foot wrong (academically) like ever and the ONE TIME that I mess up a little bit, I’m a disappointment. That’s fucking great.

He topped it off with ‘so all your other friends passed that exam? What went wrong with you? Why did you sit the exam if you weren’t ready? Oh so over 50% of the people who took the exam passed- that makes it
worse.’

I feel furious and hurt and more than a little betrayed. It is easy to be on someone’s side when things are going well but it is a mark of character to stay on their side when things aren’t.

I never expected that from my dad in a million years.

157. The Last Few Weeks In Pictures

1. I attended my closest cousin’s graduation in Manchester which was a fantastic experience. I got to be involved in the drama of the day and cheer embarrassingly loud when she got her three seconds of glory strutting across the stage. But it was the simple things I loved the most, like helping her to decide which shoes to wear and reminding her to smile big!

mele grad pic

Proud bunch of people right there!

The mandatory hat toss!

The mandatory hat toss!

2. My cousin’s obsession with Loom Bands. 

It's a masterpiece!

Isn’t it magnificent?

3. Chilling at home

How much desi can you fit into one picture?

I am armed with a MOP and I’m not afraid to use it!

Me and my mummy! Don't we look alike?!

Me and my mummy! Don’t we look alike?!

My dad 'training' me. Do you know how big and how heavy that wrench was?! Friggin' HUGE

My dad ‘training’ me. Do you know how big and how heavy that wrench was?! Friggin’ HUGE!

4. When I was four years old I met a girl called Dilpreet and she became my very first friend. Fast forward 19 years and here I am attending her wedding. She looked absolutely stunning and the whole thing was so well planned; I couldn’t be happier for the couple.

IMG-20140726-02376

Check out that ring!

Me and Dilpreet at her Mehndi event

Me and Dilpreet at her Mehndi event

Haha inadvertently ended up matching the bride!

Haha inadvertently ended up matching the bride!

5. Last but not least- Eid! A time to celebrate the the end of Ramadan and the tough cycle of sleep deprivation, hunger and annoying heat! 

Me and my bro

Me and my bro

Chilling at the family barbecue

Chilling at the family barbecue

(Some) of my cousins being silly

(Some) of my cousins (and me) being silly

Over and Out!

69. An evolution of my personality

There are many sides to my personality. This is hardly shocking news. We all do. Most of us adapt and the mirror the people around us so that we ‘fit in’. We pick the parts of our personalities that work best for the occasion and we showcase it.

The thing is by spending a lot of time around the same people, you pick up some of their habits (both good and bad) until facets of their personalities becomes yours. This particularly happens when you’re young and impressionable.

So how do you distinguish between what is inherently ‘you’ and what you’ve picked up from others? 

As a child, I was an academic, bossy, tomboy-ish kind of girl. I liked to play with cars, not dolls. Instead of running away from spiders and ants, I picked them up and let them walk up and down my arms (it’s ticklish).  I played in the mud. My knees were always scraped. Up till this point, the biggest influences in moulding my personality were my parents and they definitely didn’t raise me to be soft.

DSC01561

I look far too happy to be doing sums.

Then I joined secondary school. My closest friends were all girls and girly-girls at that. They were very concerned about their appearance. They wore fancy bras, shaved their legs and had perfectly manicured nails. They were thin and always calling themselves fat. And then there was me. I’d be the one telling them to hurry up in the loos when I thought we’d be late for a lesson. I had a big rucksack for my books so that it wouldn’t hurt my back. I was the chubby one with who always wore a ponytail to school. I thought they were silly but they were my friends and slowly they rubbed off on me. I found myself adapting. One of the biggest changes was in my weight (which I lost by prancing about in my room- who needs a gym?). I let my hair down (literally) and got it feathered and layered. I started wearing eye-pencil and wearing better clothes. While these all sound like good things- after all, we should take care of ourselves- I also picked up vanity, gossiping and a need to compare myself to other girls. I’m not saying they weren’t already there but they were certainly enhanced by my high school experience.

Then I entered Sixth Form (college to those who aren’t familiar with the UK System) and everything altered again. I changed my circle of friends because I decided I couldn’t hack it as a girly-girl and my new crowd was mixed, half boys, half girls and with this change, came new habits. This included swearing (which I was highly against up till then), an appreciation for all things crude, listening to dutty songs and a capacity for ‘that’s what she said’ jokes. They don’t sound like appealing things but I credit them for making me loosen up and broadening my sense of humour. People look at me and see a short asian girl who’s good at school and sort of assume I’m some innocent. I’m not. Make a crude comment, I’ll be the first to laugh. Say something rude, I’ll one up you. I enjoy ruining their misconceptions of me.

Then I came to university and I realised all the crudeness and badman-ness that had served me so well in Sixth Form really didn’t work here. Being at this world class institution (stop sniggering my fellow Imperial people) has encouraged me to clean up my act. I speak better. I am polite. I engage in pleasantries but the whole time I am aware that I’m censoring my speech. I adapted so well in Sixth Form, I now have an alarm that goes off every time someone says ‘that was hard’ or ‘that was long’ because it’s the prefect time to bust out ‘that’s what she said’. Heck this is post number 69 and even that made me snigger.

In the next stage of my life, post university, my wish is to stamp out some of my crudeness and become a sophisticated, classy, young woman all the time and not just when I’m supposed to be. Oh and learn how to be graceful. Whether or not this is possible I have yet to determine.

The original question I asked was essentially ‘how do you know who you are?’. After this life story of sorts, my conclusion is that you don’t, because who you are is highly dependent on who you’re with.

You would be better off asking ‘who can you be?’. 

Over and Out.

P.S This was not the post I had planned (sorry James) but once I got started, this is what came out.

28. Welcome to my humble abode

It’s only when you have other people around your house that you realise just how weird your home and family are. Yesterday I had my friends over for belated birthday celebrations highlighting exactly this point…

  • When someone phones us, 3 phones start ringing all of which have different ring tones which just leads to an almighty racket. Stopping this din is the only reason we pick up the phone.
  • People are always phoning my house, quite often at the same time so we were forced to get call waiting.
  • My parents are very affectionate and I don’t really mind, but if my friends are right in front of me and are here for my 21st and my mum is squishing my cheeks like I’m 5, then I do mind.
  • My mum is a tutor so there are ALWAYS kids at my house. Many of them turn up unannounced or an hour late or their parents are late picking them up. This also means we must have the most rung doorbell in our general vicinity.

All of the above make it bloody difficult to watch anything on tv without subtitles! What would I do without internet tv?!

Very few people can enter my home without experiencing at least one awkward moment. I guess this is the price you pay for knowing me. Awkward moments ensue due the lack of privacy I have. The only doors in my house that have a lock are the bathroom and the front door. So if we’re dancing like fools in the living room, we gon’ get caught. If we’re watching a movie that has only one sex scene, my parents WILL walk in during that one part and judge me forever. This is law.

With all that said, having my friends around yesterday was great fun! We watched Step Up because it has such an unpredictable plotline (!) and so I could drool over Channing Tatum (potential Perv Post candidate!). There was also lots of munching and even after telling my mum to tone it down, there was still enough food for 20. That’s my mother for you. Always feeding people. Afterwards robot dancing, there were attempts at moonwalking and twirling followed by a rather impressive rap battle of ‘Ninjas’ in Paris.  Yeh boi!

Over and Out!