Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘rant’

161. Working Life: The Sucky Truth.

So in that last post where I said I hoped to still keep up with my blog- yeah that didn’t happen. I can only apologise. I’m guilty. I chose sleep over blogging. Disgraceful.

So what the hell have I been doing? The daily grind covers it- the getting up, going to work, commuting home and collapsing in bed routine.

People ask me all the time how my job is going and I smile and say it’s good and that I’m being kept busy.

But here is what I really want to say.

I have caught myself questioning working life a hundred times over the past month.

The first, and it makes me sad to say this is, is this it? Is this what my life is going to be… 40 years of a daily 9-5  (let’s be honest 8.30-6) and catching up on sleep on the weekend. There’s got to be more, surely.

Then there’s WHAT I’m doing. I like that I’m being given responsibility and I’m doing something ‘real’ but I’m basically a glorified Excel person. Spreadsheets and Outlook are my two sidekicks.

Sometimes I feel like such a sellout. I picked such a ‘safe’, ‘stable’ career. I’ve been so busy being realistic about the future that I never sat down to actually ask myself what I wanted to do. I stumbled into this with my eyes closed and my fingers crossed and a mantra that it’ll work out. And you know what, it probably will. I just need to adjust and grab any opportunity to do non-standard stuff. But for now I’m going to moan because I bloody well want to.

I also worry about my time, more specifically the lack of it. What’s the point of earning money if you don’t have time to use it?  I am quickly beginning to realise that there are not enough hours in the day for me to do all the things I want, and this makes me feel bitter. I want to see my family, chat to my friends, keep up to date with all my tv shows, listen to all the new music and spend hours exploring YouTube and WordPress. But I can’t. And I think it sucks.

And the bit that shocks me is that I’m lucky. I can come home and my parents take such good care of me. How do people living alone function? When do they find the time to go food shopping or cook? How do parents drum up the energy to entertain their kids and keep up to date?

The way I see it…if you let it, work will suck you in and take over your life. I need to prioritise what is really important and do enough things in my personal life so that I don’t lose my identity.

I need to remind myself that I am so much more than just an employee.

134. Emotionally Single

Literally me from the age of 14 to 20. Embarrassing? Absolutely. But there is something about talking to your crush that is both exciting and frustrating; it’s a mix between the anxiety from over analysing everything they’re saying (oh my god they said ‘heyyy’ instead of ‘hey’… success!) and joy that they’re even responding.

Yes I am that psychotic girl who hides behind her keyboard. I am like 500 million times funnier and more interesting online because I feel #like a boss and fear nothing. In person in any kind of vaguely non-platonic situation I’m either silent or chatting absolute bollocks. I am fail.

This video got me thinking though…I haven’t had a crush on anyone non-fictional/ non celebrity for a while now… and it’s a bit a rarity for me (I don’t crush on loads of people, just a few people but for extended periods of time). It feels weird.

I’m not thinking about anyone else. I’m not wondering what they’re doing. I’m making even less of an effort when it comes to what I look like (didn’t think it was possible). That last one’s quite bad. I shouldn’t have to fancy someone to put in some time to distinguish myself as a woman.

What all this does means however is that I now have a lot more free time (good thing too because I have so much damn work). Who knew pining was so time consuming?

Secretly though, I think I miss it. Sure it was emotionally draining and it felt like my hormones were flying all over the place but something small like my crush starting a conversation could make my day and make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Now something really special has to happen to make my day. Even academic success doesn’t cut it anymore.

The worst thing about all of this is the timing. This is not the optimum time to be emotionally single especially when my mother is saying things like ‘you need to find a man’ as if I can just order one I like online. It is not easy and I don’t have time to get my flirt on. I’m not even sure I remember how to get my flirt on.

Ehhh I feel like a younger, brown version of Bridget Jones.

Over and Out!

133. Can it be the end of term already?!

The end of term is fast approaching and I couldn’t be more grateful. I am exhausted both mentally and physically; I think commuting 3 hours a day has finally taken its toll. Over Christmas I have a truckload of work to do (will it ever end?!) but at least I’ll get to do it in the comfort of my home where I can wake up when I want, eat when I want and work on things at my own pace.

I believe I complained about one of my modules (Stat Theory) in my second to last post. You’re in luck- I’m going to complain about it some more. I had my last every lecture for it today *Hallelujah!*. Considering how much I’ve struggled with the course and felt like I had no idea what was going on, I did well in the coursework which has put my lecturer under the illusion that I am competent.

I’m not.

What I realised was that he likes things done his way and I have no qualms about adjusting my notation and methods to suit him. However there is one guy in my class who started arguing with the lecturer today after he got docked marks for doing something in a different way not taught in the course. I wouldn’t have had a problem if he had spoken to the lecturer in private but he decided to start making his point during the lecture in front of everyone about how ‘real’ mathematicians can accept that there are numerous ways to approach the same problem. The lecturer essentially told him to STFU and I thought the guy would do us all a favour and take the hint but he just carried on.

It very quickly turned into a pissing contest where he’d just start pointing out every mistake the lecturer made, even something minor like brackets. At the end of the lecture he was still moaning and he tried asking other students if we supported his view. I said I didn’t want to get involved and he straight up called us all ‘PUSSIES’. My bad. Sorry for not wanting to be a dick to my lecturer who’ll be marking my exam this Summer.

Personally I don’t see why it’s so hard for him to be flexible- surely that’s also an important skill for a mathematician too. Whatever.

On a lighter note, tomorrow I am celebrating the end of term with my friends by watching the new Hobbit movie. Really excited! Hope it’s worth the hype.

Over and Out!

130. #Blogger Problems

I can’t be the only one.

  1. Spend three hours writing a post. 3 likes. Spend 20 minutes writing a post. 20 likes.
  2. Getting annoyed because the WordPress reader preview ends just before the part where your post gets interesting.
  3. Spend ages writing a post but decide not to publish that day. Re-read the next day and decide it’s crap.
  4. Write what you think is an amazing post only to read one by someone else on the same topic that is miles better than your own.
  5. Write an absolutely fabulous post. 2 likes. Read one on the same topic by someone else that’s not as entertaining as yours. 50 likes.
  6. Spend half an hour writing a post. Spend the next hour on formatting and deciding which images should accompany it.
  7. Write an awesome post but can’t for the life of you come up with a good enough title for it.
  8. Your post was viewed 20 times. No-one liked it.
  9. Asking a question to your readers in your post. No-one replies.
  10. You want to rant about someone but then realise you can’t because they read your blog.
  11. Always getting lots of ideas for posts when you have no time to write and then getting writer’s block when you do finally have time.
  12. Trying to avoid this: ‘Heyy how was the party/internship/cool experience?’ ‘Read my blog’.

Over and Out!

129. A day of coding…

…goes pretty much like this…

I’m going to be really productive today. I am refreshed and ready to tackle these questions. Bring it on!

im1

Just look at that positive attitude.

Let me just copy and paste the code that worked perfectly at home. Done. I think I’ll just run it to check everything is working…

It’s not working. Why isn’t it working?

im2

My computer hates me

Oh I forgot to install the packages at the start. Silly me. It should work now.

It’s still not working. I don’t understand why this is happening.

im4

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Crap now I’m going to have to run everything line by line to identify the problem.

Oh FFS I left out a bracket. Now everything is working.

FINALLY I can start. Oh crap is that the time?! I’m going to be late for my lecture.

im3

When will this be over?!

*sigh* another day of unproductive coding.

And that guys, is basically my life right now!

Over and Out!

P.S New background- good, bad or ugly?

125. I hate it when someone asks you for advice and then they get angry because you were honest with them

I don’t get it- do you want my advice or do you just want me to agree with whatever you say? Like let me know- I can start neck exercises in preparation for all the nodding if that’s what you want. I thought it was in the friend job description to look out for your best interests and help you overcome your hurdles, even if one of those hurdles is you getting in your own way.

When my friend asked me if I recommended he study Mathematics at uni, I told him I thought he’d find it difficult and I suggested other subjects that were numerate but not quite so intense.  I think it was a fair comment because I know what a Maths degree entails having lived through three years of it already and I took care to tell him this kindly. However all he heard me saying was ‘no’ and accused me of not being supportive and preventing him from reaching his goals.

My opinion that Maths isn’t right for him ≠ My opinion that no subject is right for him

Why do people interpret things so negatively?

Surely I don’t deserve his anger for thinking there is a better alternative out there for him?

I don’t get it.

Over and Out.

124. 5 reasons why swearing is good for you

Hear me out on this- I’m not saying we should go around offending one another but I do think that swearing in moderation when the occasion calls might actually have advantages.

1. It alleviates pain.

Seriously. I’m sure some study somewhere showed that swearing after you stub your toe releases endorphins which are happy hormones that make you feel better. A good old yelp of ‘shit, damn door!’ might just be what you need. Doctor’s recommendation.

2. It helps you exaggerate things.

A little bit of swearing interwoven into everyday language can have a wonderful effect for storytelling. I mean would you rather hear that something was ‘really weird’ or ‘batshit insane’? ‘Really bad’ or ‘piss poor’? There is a huge difference in descriptive power. Swearing makes things so much funnier too- I can’t explain why.

3. It can help win any argument (with people you don’t like)

A well placed STFU can end any argument instantly and have you crowned champion. I had to add the bit in brackets because if you use this against your partner say, you’re gonna be in deep shit. Use it carefully!

4. It enables you to enjoy some of your favourite songs

Listening to censored rap music is just unsatisfying. Swearing is a language all rap artists appear to be fluent in, maybe because it’s so effective at conveying anger and strength of feeling. And even if rap music isn’t to your taste, don’t act like you don’t enjoy screaming along to Cee-Lo Green’s ‘FUCK YOU’.

5. It’ll help you man up

I can’t stress enough that I don’t condone insulting people but should you ever receive any verbal abuse, I think it’s useful to have a colourful vocabulary so that you can deliver them a verbal punch back. It makes you less of a target.

 

On an aside, my favourite swear word  is ‘shit’ closely followed by ‘bastard’. I dunno they just roll of the tongue. What are yours? 

Over and Out!