Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘relationships’

83. I can’t do it for me but I’ll do it for you.

You ever find that you can do things for other people but that you can’t do them for yourself? Why does that happen?!

Let me give you some examples.

Being brave

I am scared of the dark. I know. I’m a wuss. There’s something about the thought of what’s lurking in the shadows that just creeps me out. However if I’m with anyone else, particularly younger cousins, I’m fearless and constantly reassuring them that there’s nothing to be scared of. Why can’t I do that when I’m alone?

Epiphanies

I could be tackling something (like Maths problem for example) and get horribly stuck. If I’ve tried and failed a few times, I’ll eventually give up. However if someone else asks me for help on the same problem, I will persevere until I find the answer. This happened to me this morning with regards to a question about Statistical modelling. I’d never have bothered to take the time to actually think it through unless my friend asked for help. I think it’s because I hate letting other people down and that forces my brain to get into gear. Disappointing myself is fine though clearly -_-

Forgiving

I can forgive my friends for almost anything. Over the years, I think I’ve let some big stuff slide but I’m not that easy on myself. If I feel like I’ve screwed up, I’m the first one to berate myself and the last one to stop.

Cooking

I am a lazy shite. I’d happily live on Rice Krispies and omelette because I seriously can’t be bothered to cook for myself. As soon as someone else needs to eat though, I’ll take the time to actually make something that contributes to their 5 a day and make some rotis. Shock. Horror. It’ll even taste nice.

Over and Out!

 

82. A Bachelor No More…

Looks like my brother has found himself a lady… finally. He’s turning 30 this year so everyone was kinda like… get a move on. He’s actually been ‘looking’ for quite a while but his list of requirements was so long that I didn’t think there was a woman on Earth that encompassed everything he wanted. My Dad succinctly put it: ‘Stop looking for the perfect woman. You’re not the perfect guy’. In the end he compromised.

He’s actually my half brother so I haven’t really been involved in the ‘search’ process. We just heard updates every now and again. For people that aren’t brown, here’s an insight on how some weddings happen in our culture.

  1. You announce that you are single and want to get married.
  2. You ask your friends and family to spread the news far and wide.
  3. They return with details of other people who are also in the marriage market that they reckon might be compatible with you.
  4. You then request more information about the people who piqued your interest. In particular, questions are asked about the family and whether there is any unsavoury gossip about them floating around.
  5. If these basic tests are passed, a meeting is requested, usually at the girl’s house.
  6. Often the first time, the guy doesn’t actually see the girl. He meets her parents first and everyone chats. Here the guy gets drilled on his job and future prospects. The girl will probably be listening to every word from the banisters.

Sometimes the process ends here. a) One of the parties isn’t keen on the other or b) both parties like each other and decide this is enough to agree to a marriage.

If you’re a ‘modern’ brown person, the process can continue.

  1. The guy and the girl get to talk and if they’re really lucky, they’ll get some privacy by which I mean her parents are on the other side of a glass door that’s left slightly open.
  2. If they can still tolerate each other, there will be more meetings of this kind until they find something major they disagree on (in which the whole process starts again) or everything is dandy and it’s happy days. In my brother’s case, this took approximately 7 meetings which personally I think is really quick for such a huge life decision but hey.

I have SO MUCH to say about this process (not all critical) but I think I’ll save it for another post. For now, I will continue with my story.

Right so my brother is 29, turning 30. Here’s the shock, horror part. The girl is 20, turning 21. That’s right, SHE’S YOUNGER THAN ME. I am having real problems getting over this. I know everyone is different and we all have different levels of maturity but if someone asked me to get married right now (lol theoretically), I would request another 3 years.  Because I’m not ready. I would need a separate post listing all the reasons why but the biggest one is that I couldn’t possibly take care of someone else when I only just about manage to take care of myself.

Anyway, I’m going with my Dad on Sunday to meet the girl. Not only that, my Dad will be making a formal proposal on my brother’s behalf to the girl’s dad for her hand. To be honest I was surprised to be invited, but I’m curious to meet my new sister in law. Should be interesting….

Over and Out!

P.S. Mele, if you’re reading this, don’t tell everyone else about it.

74. Bad Boy Syndrome.

He’s grumpy. He’s rude. He has questionable morals. He’s addicted to Vicodin. Most of the time, he’s just an ass. His name is Dr Gregory House and I am kinda in love with him.

You know the state of my love life is pretty poor if I’m emotionally taken by a fictional character on a series that ended last year but hey that’s how it is.

The thing with House is that although he is a complete jerk with no regard for the rules, he is a brilliant diagnostic doctor and I am naturally impressed by anyone who is really good at what they do. Coupled with his sharp wit, piercing blue eyes and uncanny ability of being right, you can start to see why I like him.

Are those reasons good enough though? His talents don’t negate the fact that he’s a moody git who listens to no-one. He’s hardly a ray of sunshine.

With this realisation came a glum conclusion. Women are idiots. (House would approve of that statement).

I ought to be more precise. Women are idiots when it comes to matters of the heart. Intelligent, sensible women who are perfectly capable of forming rational arguments are just as susceptible to ‘Bad Boy Syndrome’ as any other woman. This…disease makes girls attracted to unstable people which leads to dysfunctional relationships and a whole barrel of heartache.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

A woman’s capacity for forgiveness is both her saving grace and Achilles’ heel. We see damaged people, find the good in them, amplify these traits and turn a blind eye to their bad qualities. We like them because we think we can fix them and because the only thing more attractive than a bad boy is a bad boy reformed. We like the knowledge that we made them change. You must have heard a girl say ‘he’s different when he’s with me’. Well that makes us feel special- to have succeeded where other people failed.

But why do we like bad boys?

We always want things that we don’t have. Girls with wavy hair want straight hair and girls with straight hair want wavy hair. Similarly most of us are ‘safe’ and ‘stable’ but bad boys are inherently dangerous and volatile… and we want a taste of it. Being around them is a form of escape from our normal life and that feels exciting and stimulating. In the long term however, it usually leads to trouble.

Does it work?

Rarely. Take House and Cuddy for example. They had such a good thing going and House still ended up driving a car into her dining room (I am still seriously annoyed about that). Most people don’t change, but with everything, there are exceptions. It’s these cases that instill hope and encourage us to give bad boys chances that they probably don’t deserve.

So what should a guy do?

If you’re a nice guy and you’re wondering why you don’t get so much female attention, it’s because there’s nothing to ‘fix’.  Don’t take this to mean you need to become a raging alcoholic or start doing drugs to become a messed up individual. The truth is rather like the hare and the tortoise, nice guys end up being the eventual winners but unfortunately us silly women need to become emotionally attached to unsuitable people first before we realise what’s good for us. Terrible, I know.

Le sigh.

But until I learn my lesson, here’s a charming video of House:

*swoon*

Over and Out!

69. An evolution of my personality

There are many sides to my personality. This is hardly shocking news. We all do. Most of us adapt and the mirror the people around us so that we ‘fit in’. We pick the parts of our personalities that work best for the occasion and we showcase it.

The thing is by spending a lot of time around the same people, you pick up some of their habits (both good and bad) until facets of their personalities becomes yours. This particularly happens when you’re young and impressionable.

So how do you distinguish between what is inherently ‘you’ and what you’ve picked up from others? 

As a child, I was an academic, bossy, tomboy-ish kind of girl. I liked to play with cars, not dolls. Instead of running away from spiders and ants, I picked them up and let them walk up and down my arms (it’s ticklish).  I played in the mud. My knees were always scraped. Up till this point, the biggest influences in moulding my personality were my parents and they definitely didn’t raise me to be soft.

DSC01561

I look far too happy to be doing sums.

Then I joined secondary school. My closest friends were all girls and girly-girls at that. They were very concerned about their appearance. They wore fancy bras, shaved their legs and had perfectly manicured nails. They were thin and always calling themselves fat. And then there was me. I’d be the one telling them to hurry up in the loos when I thought we’d be late for a lesson. I had a big rucksack for my books so that it wouldn’t hurt my back. I was the chubby one with who always wore a ponytail to school. I thought they were silly but they were my friends and slowly they rubbed off on me. I found myself adapting. One of the biggest changes was in my weight (which I lost by prancing about in my room- who needs a gym?). I let my hair down (literally) and got it feathered and layered. I started wearing eye-pencil and wearing better clothes. While these all sound like good things- after all, we should take care of ourselves- I also picked up vanity, gossiping and a need to compare myself to other girls. I’m not saying they weren’t already there but they were certainly enhanced by my high school experience.

Then I entered Sixth Form (college to those who aren’t familiar with the UK System) and everything altered again. I changed my circle of friends because I decided I couldn’t hack it as a girly-girl and my new crowd was mixed, half boys, half girls and with this change, came new habits. This included swearing (which I was highly against up till then), an appreciation for all things crude, listening to dutty songs and a capacity for ‘that’s what she said’ jokes. They don’t sound like appealing things but I credit them for making me loosen up and broadening my sense of humour. People look at me and see a short asian girl who’s good at school and sort of assume I’m some innocent. I’m not. Make a crude comment, I’ll be the first to laugh. Say something rude, I’ll one up you. I enjoy ruining their misconceptions of me.

Then I came to university and I realised all the crudeness and badman-ness that had served me so well in Sixth Form really didn’t work here. Being at this world class institution (stop sniggering my fellow Imperial people) has encouraged me to clean up my act. I speak better. I am polite. I engage in pleasantries but the whole time I am aware that I’m censoring my speech. I adapted so well in Sixth Form, I now have an alarm that goes off every time someone says ‘that was hard’ or ‘that was long’ because it’s the prefect time to bust out ‘that’s what she said’. Heck this is post number 69 and even that made me snigger.

In the next stage of my life, post university, my wish is to stamp out some of my crudeness and become a sophisticated, classy, young woman all the time and not just when I’m supposed to be. Oh and learn how to be graceful. Whether or not this is possible I have yet to determine.

The original question I asked was essentially ‘how do you know who you are?’. After this life story of sorts, my conclusion is that you don’t, because who you are is highly dependent on who you’re with.

You would be better off asking ‘who can you be?’. 

Over and Out.

P.S This was not the post I had planned (sorry James) but once I got started, this is what came out.

68. MSN Memories- join me and cringe at all the silly things your teenage self used to do…

MSN Messenger was shut down a little while ago and though I hadn’t used it in a long time, I felt this huge pang in my stomach at the thought of it being gone. From the age of 13 to about 19, it was a huge part of my life (in both a good and bad way). I killed so much time on it but some of the conversations I had on it honestly changed my life.

As a tribute, I thought I’d share some of the ridiculous stuff that went down on MSN. I didn’t do all of these things (though I did do a lot of them and for that I hang my head in shame) but I know that they were all common practice. So sit back, get comfy and get ready to cringe at all the silly things your teenage self used to do.

  1. Offline messaging in stealth mode so you could talk exclusively to your favourite people
  2. Going to school and hanging out with your friends and then running home and chatting online to the same friends about what happened in school
  3. Print screening the convo to show your friend to ‘interpret’
  4. Copying and pasting a convo in real time to your best friend so they could tell you how to reply
  5. Getting into a fight with someone online and adding your friends to the convo as ‘back up’
  6. That one friend that kept sending nudges and winks
  7. That friend that came online but always had ‘don’t talk to me’ in their screen name
  8. That one random person who was always online even at 5am
  9. That annoying person who aaalwayssss typedddd liiikeeee thisss
  10. xoxo_princess_fairy_92_xoxo@hotmail.com  Enough said.
  11. Asking your friend if someone else was online to check if they had blocked you
  12. The awkward moment when you were added to a group conversation with someone you had blocked…who then knew you had blocked them…woops
  13. Hearing the same story from two different perspectives at the same time and just sitting there thinking ‘why don’t they just speak to each other?’
  14. Being so popular that you could count to 10 and be confident someone would say ‘hi’
  15. Typing ‘brb loo’ when actually you just need time to come up with a decent reply
  16. Telling someone ‘brb’ and never returning
  17. Telling someone that you had to go when in actual fact you had nothing to say. Close window and block for good measure.
  18. That feeling you got when your crush signed in
  19. Signing in and out so your crush noticed you
  20. Seeing your crush online and signing in but making sure to wait 10 minutes before you said anything so they didn’t think you were a psycho
  21. The fury when said crush disappears during the aforementioned 10 minutes
  22. Late night conversations with your crush- oi oi!
  23. Your crush’s status is busy- Argh should I start a convo or not?
  24. Extending the goodbyes because you didn’t want the conversation to end
  25. When asking for someone’s addy was the equivalent of 079-ing someone
  26. Playing 21 truths and ‘would you rather…’
  27. Boss protecting whenever your parents entered the room (good old shift-space)
  28. Mother walks into your room … ‘so what was the History homework?’
  29. Sending 20 full stops to clear the screen
  30. Knowing something serious is about to be said if you see someone typing for a long time
  31. so and so is typing- This continues for 5 minutes during which time you were expecting a major revelation and then they say ‘sorry hit the spacebar’
  32. Becoming a fearless bastard online and saying everything you never had the nerve to say in person
  33. Noticing that the same people who pretended not to know you at school were happy to spill their guts online
  34. Being annoyed because the person you were talking to took longer than 10 seconds to reply
  35. Texting someone to come on msn
  36. Having your screen name ιи тнιѕ fσит with lots of crap like ¸٠·΄°˚o¸٠·΄°˚ next to it
  37. Reserving your personal message for song lyrics
  38. Judging people on their MSN font and colour, and being super pissed if someone copied yours
  39. Matching your font colour with your display picture
  40. Starting your screen name with a symbol so that you were at the top of everyone’s contact list
  41. All your conversations looked like this: ‘i was like’ ‘and then she was like’ ‘to which i was like’ ‘and then she had the nerve to be like’
  42. ‘hi’ ‘how r u?’ ‘fine. u?’ ‘good’    End convo.
  43. ‘I’ll tell you later on msn.’
  44. ‘what are you doing?’ ‘talking to you.’
  45. ‘why do I always have to start the convo?’
  46. A is typing- –B starts typing- –A stops typing- –B stops typing-
  47. ‘you first’ ‘no you go first’
  48. Accidentally typing in the wrong conversation window
  49. Said something you wish you hadn’t –‘oops wrong convo’ saves the day!
  50. Lol, brb, g2g, l8rz, kk- the birth of chat speak
  51. Having entire conversations in emoticons
  52. Destroying your opponents at minesweeper flags
  53. Knowing what (8), (*), (Y), (N) meant
  54. Having an entire emoticon collection of dancing fruit 
  55. Knowing all the shortcuts to your amazing emoticon collection
  56. The notable increase in typing speed from using MSN
  57. Using the draw facility to draw pointless pictures or in my case explain integration in an emergency
  58. When sending one song took 10 minutes
  59. Synchronising MSN with Windows Media Player so everyone could see what you were listening to and bask in your amazing music taste

Have I missed anything?

Over and Out!

65. Things they said.

Bury it they said.
Hide it away deep in the depths.
Let no-one see
the hurt of promises unkept.

Give time some time they said.
Glue together the broken pieces.
Step back until the cracks look faded
and pray one day the pain ceases.

Things will get better they said.
I always thought they were lying.
It is not enough for the lessons learnt
to be the only silver lining.

 

I have never posted anything vaguely poetic before so this is a first. I feel oddly vulnerable for doing so maybe because it’s not exactly a ‘happy’ piece. Though I’m not feeling remotely sad, the words just kind flowed out of my mind today. I’m not sure what my sub-conscious is trying to tell me but what the heck.

Over and Out.

62. This makes my blood boil.

So Aliya, you’re next! *wink*. Aliya, when are you getting hitched? Hey Aliya, have you thought about your wedding? You know what, I got asked all of these questions today and it’s not the first time. I keep getting asked these questions, particularly since I hit 21. It is just relentless.

Of course I want to get married, of course I want a family but I want to finish my degree first. Every time I say that, some of the aunties give me this look of disdain… oh you’re one of those ‘career minded’ women. They say it like it’s a dirty word. I’m sorry I actually want to use the education I worked so hard to get. I am sorry my ambition isn’t solely linked to finding a husband. Today an aunty said to me, haw you’re 21 and you can’t even make kheer (Indian dessert). Fine, it’s true. I can’t make kheer off the top of my head but I can prove S5 is an insoluble group and if I can do that, I sure as hell can follow a recipe and make some bloody kheer. Do you notice how the reverse argument doesn’t hold? Being able to make kheer doesn’t mean you can prove S5 is an insoluble group. But did I say that? No- because aunties get a free pass to be condescending but any retaliation from me makes me a ‘gustaak larki’ (ill mannered girl).

My mum is like the community agony aunt and being her daughter, I have heard all sorts of stuff about marriage problems and I have learnt a lot. I’mma speak some hard truths today because I am supremely pissed off. If you are a woman and you work, your marriage will be fairer. You know why? Because you put money on the table and guys might not respect you but they sure as hell respect money. There, I said it. If you don’t work, you can bet that when you go shopping, for every two things you put in the trolley, he will take one thing out and justify it with ‘but I pay the bills’. He won’t do that if you’re paying.

You know what aunties… I’mma get a real good job, buy a nice house and a nice car and if I want to buy new shoes, I’mma buy them because I can afford it.

Disclaimer: If this sounds like man hate, I apologise. If you are offended at my generalising, I apologise. I know there are exceptions to every rule but everything I’ve mentioned, I’ve observed firsthand. If you haven’t, then you’re very lucky.

Over and Out.