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Posts tagged ‘sad’

Grief

My phupho, my dad’s sister, passed away this morning. She had suffered with ill health for the majority of her life and if there is anything positive at all to take away from this, it is that she is no longer in pain. But she leaves behind two children, aged only 21 and 17 whose lives have been turned upside down in a heartbeat.

She was one of the most gentlest women I have ever known. She was never physically strong but she was a fierce mother.

We found out yesterday that she had been taken to the hospital and that things were looking bad. However this had happened several times before and we all prayed that she’d get through it again. But everyone’s body has a limit and she reached hers.

My family is stricken; the grief in my house is palpable. Today has just been a blur of tears, tissues and phonecalls, so many phonecalls. My dad is the rock of our house who always keeps a level head and he’s just broken. I can’t even look him in the eye; it hurts me to see him like this. My mum has been alternating between stories of my phupho and heavy choking sobs. And me. All I keep hearing in my head is her voice saying ‘Aliya beti (child)’ the way she used to. I find some comfort in tears but then a little while later someone says something and the grief hits me again like a tidal wave.

The only thing I pray for this New Year is that my phupho rest in peace and that God gives the rest of us strength.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon
“Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return”

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125. I hate it when someone asks you for advice and then they get angry because you were honest with them

I don’t get it- do you want my advice or do you just want me to agree with whatever you say? Like let me know- I can start neck exercises in preparation for all the nodding if that’s what you want. I thought it was in the friend job description to look out for your best interests and help you overcome your hurdles, even if one of those hurdles is you getting in your own way.

When my friend asked me if I recommended he study Mathematics at uni, I told him I thought he’d find it difficult and I suggested other subjects that were numerate but not quite so intense.  I think it was a fair comment because I know what a Maths degree entails having lived through three years of it already and I took care to tell him this kindly. However all he heard me saying was ‘no’ and accused me of not being supportive and preventing him from reaching his goals.

My opinion that Maths isn’t right for him ≠ My opinion that no subject is right for him

Why do people interpret things so negatively?

Surely I don’t deserve his anger for thinking there is a better alternative out there for him?

I don’t get it.

Over and Out.

103. Back to life, back to reality

After the insane weekend I had in Paris, returning back to London felt surreal. I had been awake for 26 hours straight, my feet were aching from wearing heels for two days and I was exhausted right down to my bones. As soon as I got home, I ate some Coco Pops and promptly fell asleep for 9 hours straight. When I woke up I was so disorientated; I had no idea where I was or what time it was because my body clock was so messed. The first thing I did was check out what I had missed while I was gone and it was then that I found out that third year results were released.

To be honest I didn’t want to open them but I had to assess the damage. I knew beforehand that it wouldn’t be as good as last year and the ‘I don’t give a shit’ feeling that I had after the exams had faded by now so I was anxious.

I was… disappointed.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t do badly but I was so far off what I aspired. My New Year’s resolution was to try and get a First in every non-maths module (there are 7) and I got 3 (though one was only off by 1) and they weren’t good Firsts either. They were scrapes to the extreme but I’ll take what I can get.

My lowest mark was in Managerial Economics which is supposed to be an ‘easy’ option and to be fair my friends did really well in it but I thoroughly lack economic sense and I have a long standing history of hating multiple choice exams. I should have known better than to listen to other people. No more non-maths modules for me.

There was one module that I was particularly disappointed with; Games, Risks and Decisions. I really enjoyed the module and I felt like I had a good grasp on the content but I got a very average mark. It’s not unfair because I know I didn’t perform well in the exam but it’s definitely not representative of my understanding. Oh well…I guess it evens out. Last year I got higher marks in modules that I knew very little about.

I don’t want to be completely negative so I’ll share a positive too. I got a First in M3T: Communicating Mathematics which is the project I wrote after my exams. It’s one of those modules where it’s usual to get a 2:1, rare to get a 2:2 but difficult to get a First so I guess I should be pleased.

I might sound obnoxious complaining about a high 2:1 but I wanted to do better and I’m pretty bummed. I’ve never not got the highest grades and I really don’t want my university degree to be where I mess up. I don’t give a shit about how it’s good to fail sometimes and how it’s a learning curve. It’s going to be challenging to get a First overall but it’s still within my grasp (just about). I just need to pull out something special next year but it’s going to be seriously tight. I don’t think I can outrightly get a First but I can get in the grey area between a 2:1 and First forcing them to discuss my case and I’ll have to pray it goes in my favour. But that’s the thing, I’m now reliant on other people rather than my own merit.

I’m such a mix of emotions right now. I’m ecstatic for my friends who are graduating with amazing marks and I’m still on a high from my action packed weekend (which I will share more about with lots of pics later) but I’m kicking myself about my results. I haven’t told my parents yet because they’re still asleep. In a way I’m glad because I’m scared I’ve disappointed them but at the same time I really need some comforting words from my mum because I can’t ‘forgive’ myself until she does… though I’m not sure that’s the right word to use here.

But there you go. I was in Paris living the good life where my biggest worry was what necklace I should wear for the wedding and now I’m back in London smacked back to reality and I need to focus on my internship and university. Don’t things change quickly!

Over and Out!

29. Put your speakers on and get ready to empathise!

It’s the start of February. We all know that means Valentine’s day is around the corner. Now everyone will be having different experiences this year; there will be those who are beautifully, disgustingly in love, those who wish they were and those who think they don’t care. This post caters for the latter two types of people.

I think emotions and music pretty much go hand in hand. Music helps brings out what you feel even if you didn’t know it yourself and I think that’s pretty magical… the fact that you can hear something and it will make you think of a person, a memory or something you were trying to bury. I decided to try and compile a fairly comprehensive list of scenarios and I had great fun ‘researching’ relevant songs associated with them to help you get through The Valentine Blues.

I tried to pick songs from a variety of artists with the hope that you hear something new or something you haven’t heard in a while. So put your speakers on and get ready to empathise!

  • You’re in a relationship. It’s not working. You don’t know why but you’re too tired to hold on any longer.

Ellie Goulding- Hanging On

‘You know we can get away
Because I’m calling your name

I just can’t keep hanging on, to you and me
I just don’t know what is wrong, with you and me’

(Her voice just sounds ethereal in this, particularly in the beginning.)

  • Somebody left you. You’re a mess and they seem absolutely fine. What a !@#$%^.

The Script- Breakeven

‘What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re ok?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces’

  • When you’ve been let down or lied to and the best thing to do is say goodbye. Yeah time to leave that !@#$%^.

Lianna la Havas- Gone

‘Love is not blind, it’s just deaf and it is dumb
So how could I fool myself thinking you were the one
How sad, how undignified
Now I found you out
This is my last goodbye’

  • They can’t commit. They keep changing their mind because they don’t know what they want. What a !@#$%^.

Adele- Turning Tables

‘God only knows what we’re fighting for
All that I say, you always say more
I can’t keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can’t breathe
So, I won’t let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won’t rescue you to just desert me
I can’t give you the heart you think you gave me
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables’

(It’s not possible to talk breakup music without mentioning Adele)

  • That one person is just always on your mind and you can’t shake it. Seriously annoying.

Lemar- It’s Not That Easy

‘Girl I’ve tried and tried a million times
To get you off my mind
It’s not that easy
It’s not that easy
Don’t you know how hard it is for me
To smile and say goodbye
It’s not that easy
It’s not that easy’

  • When a relationship is over and they’re acting like it meant nothing to them. What a !@#$%^.

Gotye- Somebody That I Used To Know

‘But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know’

(This is a radio edit of the song that I like a lot more than the original. Got a bit of extra kick to it.)

  • When you’ve had enough of this crap and decide you don’t need anyone but yourself. ALL THE LADIES IF YOU FEEL ME, HELP ME SING IT OUTTT (if you’ve heard the song before, you’ll understand)

Beyonce- Me, Myself & I

‘Cuz I realized I got me, myself and I
That’s all I got in the end
That’s what I found out
And it ain’t no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I’m gonna be my own best friend’

(I just had to share the live version of this song because my god Bey can SANG (it’s not a typo)! She turns this sad song into an anthem! Absolutely kills it from 1:45 onwards)

It was so hard whittling down to just seven songs but I figured 50 songs was probably overkill so there you have it.

If you’re actually beautifully, disgustingly in love, then have no fear my next post will be songs just for youu!

Over and Out!