Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘stress’

152. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

GUYS Guys guys! I got a FIRST! I GOT A FRIGGIN’ FIRST!

During these holidays I employed an avoidance tactic when it came to results. Of course that didn’t stop it popping into my head and making my stomach drop, but each time it did I made a quiet a prayer and pushed it out my mind. I refused to be that person sitting by their computer hitting refresh a hundred times. 

So where was I when I got my results? Tesco. My phone started blowing up. People were posting their results on Facebook and I was just standing in the vegetables aisle gripped by anxiety. I was with my parents at the time but I made a decision not to tell them in case they crashed the car on the way home in their haste. So I played it cool and wandered around the store for the next twenty minutes looking at toothpaste and pasta sauce. 

When I eventually made it home, I trudged up the stairs, turned on my computer and found my hands shaking. Why was I so nervous? Well last year, I was kinda disappointed by my results. I didn’t do as well as I wanted to so I worked my butt off this year to compensate for it. I just wasn’t sure whether I’d done enough. 

I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT when I saw that it said ‘First Class Honours’ next to the degree classification. I think I blinked several times just to check I wasn’t imagining it. I even asked Shakira if that meant a First because I seemed to have lost my handle on the English language.  

Even better I saw that I got a First in every module except one which was off by two marks. On top of that I got a First in my project/ dissertation which blew my mind. Hands down the best set of marks I have ever obtained at university. 

So basically I was standing in my room kinda overwhelmed and on the verge of tears (but I managed to hold it it together). The fun part was telling my parents. I crept downstairs and calmly announced my results. The next thing I know I’m being squished to a within an inch of my life by my mum and we were jumping up and down like crazy people. My dad was much more subdued though I’d say equally pleased. 

So yeh I am pretty darn happy right now and this grin I’m wearing ain’t going nowhere for a while. 

Over and Out!

149. Done and Dusted.

I am officially exam free- can I get a HELL YEAH?! Do I have my life back yet though? HELL NO.

Basicallyy I still have my fourth year project to finish off which is kinda like a dissertation but with maths instead of words. This project (and an accompanying presentation on said project) is worth quarter of the year which is A LOT. Additionally if you’re borderline between degree classes like I am, they look at your project marks to help decide which side of the boundary you should be on.

Now I’ve been working on this project on and off from November so I’ve done a fair bit. However I’m not sure if it’s utter bollocks or actually relevant. Mine’s not the most ‘mathematical’ of projects either; it’s more statistical analysis focused. Before you start thinking oooh analysis, let me clarify that it’s more like ‘errrm this mean is higher…oh look low variance’ and other mindless insights rather than meaningful inference.  I kinda feel sorry for my supervisor who has to read this drivel.

As for the exams… I did six of them which is two less than what I did in 1st and 2nd year but it still felt overwhelming. Must be the insane content. How did they go?

The Mastery Paper

This bastard of a paper is reserved for us lucky fourth years to try and distinguish us from the third years. They made us sit an exam where we were given one question from each of the modules we took. Note that even though I study maths which is ‘one subject’, individual modules are vastly different. It was like a five in one exam or more accurately THE MOTHER OF ALL EXAMS. Even worse it was the very first exam. I had zero hope that it would go well- I just wanted to not fail. In the end I had one very good question, two average questions and one piss poor one so I’d say it all averages out to meh.

Algebraic Combinatorics

This is a pure Maths module and by definition, that makes it HARD. You’ve actually got to think in the exam *shock* *horror*. I was terrified going into it because the past papers from the last few years were foul and there were bits of the course that I just didn’t get. However it turned out better than expected. That’s not to say I smacked it. I just had low expectations and it exceeded those.

Time Series

Preparing for this exam felt like preparing for an A-Level Mathematics exam ie. you hit the past papers and you do as many practice questions as possible rather than examine the lecture notes. I had a terrible journey getting into uni that day and although I wasn’t late, it messed up my mental preparation. I was all over the place at the beginning of the exam but luckily I managed to pull myself together and I hope I salvaged it. I *hope*.

Applied Probability

I really liked this course mainly because I really like the lecturer but my god was this module a bitch to revise for. You have to know the lecture notes INSIDE OUT. Every minute detail is examinable and there are so many proofs and methods which you’re expected to know. I felt like I understood the content but I wasn’t sure I could convert that into a good exam mark. Before the exam I did a quick revision session with a dude from my course and I explained some stuff to him and he explained some stuff to me. Both things came up. I could have hugged him.

Statistical Theory

The name of this course is Statistical theory but we knew the exam was all about applying the theory. Due to my timetable I sort of only had 6 days to revise for it properly. The lecture notes were waffle so I just did the papers and hoped for the best. I even learnt definitions on the train on the exam day. It was all very last minute dot com. The exam itself was HARD but I honestly tried so I’m not disappointed. I did everything I could.

Stochastic Simulation

We all got royally screwed over. It was nothing like the past papers. I can’t say it was ‘unfair’ but it was just weird and I didn’t feel like the questions were direct. I could see everyone’s faces in the hall as they flicked through the questions all unanimously thinking ‘what the hell is this?’. It was a pretty bad exam to end on. My only consolation is that I think everyone found it bad so hopefully they’ll sort out the boundaries…

But yeah. That’s that. All done and dusted. I thought I’d have some closure after this or feel like a great burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Instead I felt..nothing and my attention immediately switched to my project. Maybe I’ll feel like celebrating when that’s done?

At least I hope so.

Over and Out!

 

147. Welcome to Student Life

Best use of opera music ever.

Of course this is only for the week before the exams. The rest of the year we do fuck all. But still. That week.

Over and Out!

144. Basically the entire student population right now.

*sweeps away books*

*rips up notes*

*runs out into the sun arms outstretched*

138. Because I’m Happyyy

Yes it’s been too long…. but I was working my butt off on my beast of a Statistical Pattern Recognition coursework. I handed it in on Friday and pretty much hibernated during the weekend because I was so exhausted from staring at a screen. Saying I handed it in doesn’t quite convey that actual stress of that day; it would be more accurate to say that I was filling in my name and college details in the lift on the way to the 6th floor where I was supposed to hand it in merely 10 minutes before the deadline. Then because I’m a plum I managed to submit it in the wrong slot and embarrassingly had to beg the lady in the office to retrieve it for me. I think she took pity on me.

The whole point of taking this immense coding course was to alleviate stress later because it would mean taking one fewer exam in the Summer. Maybe it’ll feel the benefits later but on Friday I’m quite sure I had high blood pressure coupled with a thumping headache and lack of sleep. Not the greatest of combinations. Oh well it’s over now.

Since then I’ve been pretty much listening to this on repeat. If any of you need your spirits raising, this song’ll do it. Loosen up. Get those shoulders moving.

Oh and for those of you still reading this and persevering with me:

gold star

Over and Out!

131. My days are a blur

I know it has been a while but trust me when I say I have not been ignoring this blog because I wanted to or because I didn’t know what to talk about. The past week or two, my days have actually become a blur of waking up, taking the train, going to uni, coding and courseworking and then taking the train back home to do more coding and courseworking. I literally can’t tell my days apart. I feel like a zombie.

This has been the most exhausting and challenging academic terms of my life. Coupled with all the work I need to be doing for my fourth year project and the fact that it’s my final year, at times I have been feeling overwhelmed. I just never feel like I’m finished. Every time I hand some work in, I can’t even celebrate or take a break because I have another two to do. It has been relentless.

One of my modules has been particularly bad: Statistical Theory. Even the name is off-putting. Stats and theory. Someone hand me a bucket. I made the mistake of thinking that the course would be decent based on the past papers. To be fair for the first few weeks, it was quite good but after that it got worse at like… an exponential rate. We must have studied sufficient statistics for about 3 weeks- I still couldn’t explain to you what they are. The lecturer, bless him, is erm…oh I’ll just say it…ancient. He’s ancient. He has a tendency to call everything trivial and assumes we know a lot more than we actually do. Coupled with his muttering and frightening hysterical laughing at his own jokes, his lectures can feel torturous. However he always seems so pleased that people are attending his lectures and now I don’t have the heart to leave and disappoint him.

I don’t want it to all sound awful so I shall say this: while this term has definitely been stressful, it has felt oddly rewarding too. Coding is so frustrating- little things can completely mess it up- but when it works you feel like a superstar. Most of Mathematics is like that.

Still I am really looking forward to the end of term so I can hibernate, catch up on my tv shows and just have time to go through my notes thoroughly. More importantly I want to spend time with my family and with my cousins. I have really missed their annoying lovely faces.

Over and Out!

127. My 11+ Experience

Over the last few days, my mum has been receiving results about how well her tutees did in their 11+ exam. It makes me feel old when I realise I was one of those kids more than a decade ago. For those unfamiliar with this exam, it is an entrance test to get into a grammar school or an ability selective school. These schools are sort of like private schools (minus the poshness and manners) without paying the money thus making it extra popular with brown parents.

It’s hard to say for sure what have been the most important moments of my life but I can say with confidence that passing my 11+ exam was one of them. I am so grateful for the opportunities and teaching I received at my secondary school. If I hadn’t passed, I would have been going to a local girl’s school and I’m sure I would have turned out rather different:

  • (even) more chavvy
  • not as good (but hopefully not bad) academically
  • probably uncomfortable around guys.

I’m not sure I would have made it to Imperial. Who knows if I’d even be studying Mathematics?! I definitely wouldn’t have had James (ewww a boy) as a best friend.

My parents only realised you sit the 11+ when you’re 10 about 4 months before the exam (who came up with that?) so I had limited time to prepare for it. Four months sounds like ages but it’s not uncommon for parents to start years in advance. That’s how fierce the competition is. I had 3 papers to sit: verbal reasoning, non verbal reasoning and maths. Out of the three, my preference was for Mathematics. I remember actually enjoying the practice papers. On the flip side I had to work hardest for non verbal reasoning which tests how well you notice patterns and sequences through images eg.

(I’ll post the answer at the bottom)

Preparing for the 11+ was the first time I really committed myself to something. My parents claimed that it didn’t matter what the outcome was as long as I tried my best. Total bull of course. We were all totally invested in it. And attending the opening evening for my secondary school cemented it further. I walked through the doors of the green and blue school building and decided that it was the place for me.

I don’t remember much about the day except that I had orange juice and a Penguin chocolate bar in the break. But I remember being really nervous… right up till the moment I started the paper after which I just focused on the questions. As the exam was multiple choice, I had no idea how well or badly I had performed. Whenever my mum asked I told her that if I passed, it would be a scrape and if I didn’t, it would be by a small margin.

I was quite anxious about receiving the results but not nearly as much as my parents. I was at school when my results letter arrived. My mum doesn’t believe the whole ‘patience is a virtue’ stuff and tore it in. She then promptly drove to my school, stormed in, found me waiting in the queue for lunch, dragged me into an empty music room and swung me around. One of the happiest moments of my life.

Turns out I did pretty good too. In typical fashion I dropped one mark on the Maths paper. When my dad asked me what I wanted as a present, I wracked my brains for the best possible thing I could think of and said… A FISHBURGER FROM McDONALDS.

Not so clever after all.

Over and Out!

(The answer is B)

105. 5 Tips To Act More Confident

I wouldn’t call myself shy but I’m just as anxious as anyone else about how to act at important social occasions. I hate bring stuck in a room with unfamiliar people who I’m supposed to impress and charm with my wit and humour. But sometimes it’s just necessary. I’ve come up with a few tips that’ll give you a confidence boost and they’re not wishy washy stuff like ‘be yourself’ because my god if we did that, they’d probably run for the hills.

1. Dress the part

You need to shed the clothes you usually wear- they’re too associated with your usual socially awkward self. Wear something new, something different, something flattering that’ll make you feel good about yourself. Ladies, put on your favourite underwear. No-one else will see it (or maybe they will, who knows what kind of occasion this is) but you’ll know in your head that you look hella fine and it’ll shine through in your body language. Guys, wear something tailored.

2. Find your inner gangster

Love them or hate them, gangsters are confident to the point of being obnoxious. The point is if you can find your inner gangster, you can tap into that confidence store. For me, the best way to do this is through music. Find a song that makes you feel like a #BOSS and perform it. If you can’t sing, mime. Give your mirror the best performance of its life. Be careful though- you don’t want to start putting up your middle finger and yelling YOLO if you’re attending a formal do. Let’s leave that shit to Drake.
Song Suggestions: I’m On One- DJ Khaled, Do it like a dude- Jessie J, Pour it Up- Rihanna but anything about sex, money and general bragging works here.

WEEZY

3. Practice rapping

My last tip was to help your mental confidence and body language but this one will help with your speech. There’s nothing worse than getting nervous and stuttering or fumbling over your words but you’ll do this a lot less if you can rap (or at least try to!). If you can nail Busta Rhymes’ verse from ‘Look at me Now’ (if you haven’t heard it- it’s ridiculously fast), then you deserve a recording contract and you’ll have no problem getting the words out in a conversation.
Song Suggestions: Just lose it- Eminem, Move that body- Nelly, Look at me now- Chris Brown but anything fast paced is good.

4. Read and form opinions

Watch the news. Read magazines. Just be up to date about what’s going on in the world. That way if the conversation dries up, you have some back up topics. Basically if you’re speaking about something sensible you’ll instantly look more confident (as long as you don’t go all verbal diarrhoea). I find that sport, popular TV shows and gossip are good hooks.

5. Be Optimistic

Not only do pessimistic people annoy me but usually their lack of faith in things is a reflection of their lack of faith in themselves. That’s not attractive. You want to appear positive and you can do this by implementing small changes in your body language. Look people in the eye. Keep your back straight and your head held high. Don’t fold your arms. Find the humour in things and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself but most importantly; smile (or at least don’t frown) even if things go wrong.

Gah he’s so cute!

There you have it. I am by no means an amazingly confident person but I find that these things help me and maybe they’ll help some of you.

Over and Out!

95. Mission Accomplished

The last few days have been super stressful but I’m really pleased to announce that I’m finally done with third year! HELLO SUMMER!

I handed in my projects (yup plural) yesterday and I also gave my oral presentation. Considering how little time I had to prepare for it, I think it went decently. I rehearsed as much as I could in the few hours beforehand, so much so that I think I strained my voice. The time limit was 15 mins so I wanted to be talking for at least 12 minutes but when rehearsing, I couldn’t get it over 10 mins 20 secs. Miraculously I made it last over 13 minutes for the real thing. I swear it doesn’t matter how much public speaking you’ve done, it doesn’t get much easier. I always feel like I’ve got my foot in my mouth and can’t get the words out.

I took a few pics because our projects looked soo beautiful when binded. I almost didn’t want to hand it in!

specialprojectbinded

Such Beauty

Shakira didn’t even want to let them go!

Can you feel the loovee tonight?

Can you feel the loovee tonight?

I was just in a state of delirium that it was all finished.

I don't even...

I don’t even…

Over and Out!

94. Student on a mission!

I only have a few hours to completely prepare my oral presentation for tomorrow afternoon. It’s only worth a quarter of my entire module. No biggie.

Oh who am I kidding?! I am freaking out. And before some quips in that I should have started earlier, I tried but my stupid project took a ridiculous amount of time to format and edit and print.

But hey, I can do this. I can present. I’m speaking about something I know well. I’m passionate about it. I just need to try not to swear. And not to speak too fast. And not to make inappropriate jokes. And not diss the teachers too much. And not complain about the children.

Dammit if only this oral presentation was a rant- I would ace it.

Argh I have worked my arse off all week- there’s only one day to go and one final hurdle.

This will be the best presentation eva.

LET’S GET THIS SHIT DONE.

Over and Out!