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Posts tagged ‘support’

Shame

So I usually find myself writing/rambling when my feelings are all over the place. I guess this is one of those times.

I got the results from my second sitting of the actuarial exams yesterday. I passed one and I failed one. Let me clarify that; I, Aliya Khalid, who has never really failed anything before, failed an exam. So this whole thing has been a rather novel experience.

I’m fairly accepting that I failed this exam. I knew it was borderline and I have a hundred excuses to justify it but the honest truth is, I should have prepared more. No, the part I was worried about was how my parents would react. I must have asked them a dozen times:

‘How would you react if I failed an exam?’

‘Yeah but you didn’t.’

‘But what if I did?’

And now, this was my great opportunity to find out.

I thought it was my mum I should worry about and that my dad would take it on my chin. I couldn’t be more wrong if I tried (I must be really off my game).

My mum was perfect; the poster ad for supportive parent. It’ll be fine; you were busy at work; we went to the wedding in Scotland days before your exam; you can sit it later; this won’t hold you back; it’ll be fine. And I thought great- what was I worrying about- now I just need to tell my dad.

Do you know what he said?

‘I’m so disappointed.’

It was like being doused with cold water.

Disappointed? I haven’t put a foot wrong (academically) like ever and the ONE TIME that I mess up a little bit, I’m a disappointment. That’s fucking great.

He topped it off with ‘so all your other friends passed that exam? What went wrong with you? Why did you sit the exam if you weren’t ready? Oh so over 50% of the people who took the exam passed- that makes it
worse.’

I feel furious and hurt and more than a little betrayed. It is easy to be on someone’s side when things are going well but it is a mark of character to stay on their side when things aren’t.

I never expected that from my dad in a million years.

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