Welcome to the inside of my head.

Posts tagged ‘tired’

138. Because I’m Happyyy

Yes it’s been too long…. but I was working my butt off on my beast of a Statistical Pattern Recognition coursework. I handed it in on Friday and pretty much hibernated during the weekend because I was so exhausted from staring at a screen. Saying I handed it in doesn’t quite convey that actual stress of that day; it would be more accurate to say that I was filling in my name and college details in the lift on the way to the 6th floor where I was supposed to hand it in merely 10 minutes before the deadline. Then because I’m a plum I managed to submit it in the wrong slot and embarrassingly had to beg the lady in the office to retrieve it for me. I think she took pity on me.

The whole point of taking this immense coding course was to alleviate stress later because it would mean taking one fewer exam in the Summer. Maybe it’ll feel the benefits later but on Friday I’m quite sure I had high blood pressure coupled with a thumping headache and lack of sleep. Not the greatest of combinations. Oh well it’s over now.

Since then I’ve been pretty much listening to this on repeat. If any of you need your spirits raising, this song’ll do it. Loosen up. Get those shoulders moving.

Oh and for those of you still reading this and persevering with me:

gold star

Over and Out!

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133. Can it be the end of term already?!

The end of term is fast approaching and I couldn’t be more grateful. I am exhausted both mentally and physically; I think commuting 3 hours a day has finally taken its toll. Over Christmas I have a truckload of work to do (will it ever end?!) but at least I’ll get to do it in the comfort of my home where I can wake up when I want, eat when I want and work on things at my own pace.

I believe I complained about one of my modules (Stat Theory) in my second to last post. You’re in luck- I’m going to complain about it some more. I had my last every lecture for it today *Hallelujah!*. Considering how much I’ve struggled with the course and felt like I had no idea what was going on, I did well in the coursework which has put my lecturer under the illusion that I am competent.

I’m not.

What I realised was that he likes things done his way and I have no qualms about adjusting my notation and methods to suit him. However there is one guy in my class who started arguing with the lecturer today after he got docked marks for doing something in a different way not taught in the course. I wouldn’t have had a problem if he had spoken to the lecturer in private but he decided to start making his point during the lecture in front of everyone about how ‘real’ mathematicians can accept that there are numerous ways to approach the same problem. The lecturer essentially told him to STFU and I thought the guy would do us all a favour and take the hint but he just carried on.

It very quickly turned into a pissing contest where he’d just start pointing out every mistake the lecturer made, even something minor like brackets. At the end of the lecture he was still moaning and he tried asking other students if we supported his view. I said I didn’t want to get involved and he straight up called us all ‘PUSSIES’. My bad. Sorry for not wanting to be a dick to my lecturer who’ll be marking my exam this Summer.

Personally I don’t see why it’s so hard for him to be flexible- surely that’s also an important skill for a mathematician too. Whatever.

On a lighter note, tomorrow I am celebrating the end of term with my friends by watching the new Hobbit movie. Really excited! Hope it’s worth the hype.

Over and Out!

131. My days are a blur

I know it has been a while but trust me when I say I have not been ignoring this blog because I wanted to or because I didn’t know what to talk about. The past week or two, my days have actually become a blur of waking up, taking the train, going to uni, coding and courseworking and then taking the train back home to do more coding and courseworking. I literally can’t tell my days apart. I feel like a zombie.

This has been the most exhausting and challenging academic terms of my life. Coupled with all the work I need to be doing for my fourth year project and the fact that it’s my final year, at times I have been feeling overwhelmed. I just never feel like I’m finished. Every time I hand some work in, I can’t even celebrate or take a break because I have another two to do. It has been relentless.

One of my modules has been particularly bad: Statistical Theory. Even the name is off-putting. Stats and theory. Someone hand me a bucket. I made the mistake of thinking that the course would be decent based on the past papers. To be fair for the first few weeks, it was quite good but after that it got worse at like… an exponential rate. We must have studied sufficient statistics for about 3 weeks- I still couldn’t explain to you what they are. The lecturer, bless him, is erm…oh I’ll just say it…ancient. He’s ancient. He has a tendency to call everything trivial and assumes we know a lot more than we actually do. Coupled with his muttering and frightening hysterical laughing at his own jokes, his lectures can feel torturous. However he always seems so pleased that people are attending his lectures and now I don’t have the heart to leave and disappoint him.

I don’t want it to all sound awful so I shall say this: while this term has definitely been stressful, it has felt oddly rewarding too. Coding is so frustrating- little things can completely mess it up- but when it works you feel like a superstar. Most of Mathematics is like that.

Still I am really looking forward to the end of term so I can hibernate, catch up on my tv shows and just have time to go through my notes thoroughly. More importantly I want to spend time with my family and with my cousins. I have really missed their annoying lovely faces.

Over and Out!

72. Get me a hot water bottle and some ice cream dammit.

Literally overnight I have gone from energetic to lethargic and drowsy. I haven’t even done anything. Body, why are you doing this to me?! This is not what I need right now.

I am so tired. My eyes keep closing. My back hurts. My head hurts. I’m getting flushes.  My muscles (lol) feel like they’re aching. Even my joints are hurting. Particularly my ankles.

(I’m not pregnant.)

(I think.)

(jk)

(I learnt my lesson after last time.)

(I’m joking, I’m joking.)

Ehhhhhhhh I’ve started talking to myself.

Get me a hot water bottle and some ice cream dammit.

This is a really crap post. I’m sorry. I’m tired.

Over and *yawn* Out.

P.S My mum took a picture of me mid yawn today and my god it’s butterz. I was going to share it but I figured you guys didn’t want to see my tonsils.

71. Make it stop.

Every year, I reach a point during revision where I decide I don’t care. Today is that day.

I am so tired of this. I don’t want to revise. I don’t want to do these exams. I’ve been doing everything to avoid it. I’ll eat, catch up on House, decide to start doing sit ups because sure right now is a great time to start an exercise regime, right? But then I suffer this gut wrenching guilt for not spending my time wisely. All this proves is that I do care. But I wish I didn’t.

I could loosen up and settle for a 2:1. That’s good right? I can get a job with that. Can I live with it though? Is it good enough for my parents? As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I know the answer deep down is ‘no’ but if I don’t sort this out, that is where I’m heading.

Why have I decided to stay on for another year? Surely I don’t love Imperial so much that I’m willing do this all over again. This is sucking my soul. Please let this be over soon. I don’t want to do this anymore.

*gets up*

*heads back to notes*

*sigh*

27. Lethargi…

…see I’m so tired I couldn’t even be bothered to finish typing the title.

My point being- I’M SO TIRED. I don’t even know why. I’m not 100% well healthwise but even when I am, I still feel tired.

Waking up in the morning is such an arduous task- I actually dread the sound of my alarm and I snooze it as much as I can get away with. Of course when I do that, it means I have even less breakfast than normal, on top of which I have to run for the bus/ train so that I get to my lecture on time hence I’m extra exhausted when I arrive.  And so the day goes by. I take breaks to eat but while it satiates my hunger, it doesn’t exactly revitalise me. If anything, it makes me want to sleep which is not helpful when you’re trying to stay alert during lectures.

On the journey home, I usually try to get some shut eye but in the back of my mind I know I can’t fall asleep completely in case I miss my stop and end up in Oxford/ Banbury/ Radley/Twyford/ Heathrow or god knows where else. Furthermore, there will probably be some person:

  • sitting entirely too close to me
  • shuffling every five seconds
  • has a dozen bags with them, half of which are on my lap
  • is chatting really loudly on the phone or to someone across the carriage
  • decides to fart/ burp through the journey
  • had terrible body odour

All of the above make it bloody difficult to rest on the train!

By the time I get home, I know I should nap but here’s the thing. People go on about how naps are so refreshing and how it gives them energy but personally, I find it works in the opposite way. I wake up drained and desperate to continue sleeping. And anyway I’d feel guilty for sleeping before I got any work done…except I don’t even start working till about 10pm. 10pm – 12pm is my most productive work period which is pretty weird because I am fighting sleep the whole time. Maybe this battle to fight my eyes closing is what makes my brain productive. Who knows? By the time it hits 12pm, I know I really should be getting to bed otherwise it will be impossible to wake up the next morning. I go to bed ready to sleep but does my brain listen? HELL NO. It just wants to replay everything I’ve done today with particular emphasis on all the stupid stuff I did or all the things I should have said but didn’t. Thank you brain. Thanks a lot.

Right you know I started this posted wondering why I am so tired. I have my answer. Scumbag brain. God.